


A New Beginning

by ArianneMaya



Series: Glam-100 Drabbles [4]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Dom/sub, Hand Feeding, Hurt/Comfort, Kink Negotiation, M/M, Masturbation, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Sensation Play, Shaving, Spanking, Voyeurism, references to canon character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-04
Updated: 2013-09-13
Packaged: 2017-12-10 10:14:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 24,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/784905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArianneMaya/pseuds/ArianneMaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, what looks like the end is just the start of something new. All you need is to give life a chance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The End?

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written as separate drabble-sets for glam-100, I'm now reposting them all in one place because I'm finally admitting that while I know where I'm going, I have no idea how long it will take me to get there. This is a single story, told as a serial through drabble-sets. 
> 
> **Prompt:** #078: to be continued...  
>  **Beta:** @leela_cat

The best and worst thing about touring, according to Tommy, is that what happens on tour stays on tour.

As great as it feels to know that all the stupid things he did over the few last months will stay between him and the people who witnessed them, he’s very aware that he’s, once again, the idiot who’s losing his heart to a tour fling.

At least Tommy learned a few things the first time around. Whatever he thinks they have right now most likely won’t hold against the pressure of real life.

He steps back to protect his heart.

***

He’s expecting things to cool down and go back to normal – a normal that includes him and Brian sleeping in their own, separate rooms. He doesn’t want that to happen, but he needs something to prepare himself for the inevitable heartbreak when they get back home.

With anybody else, it might have worked. For a couple of days, Tommy even thinks he was successful and does his best to ignore how disappointed that makes him.

Until they’re in Helsinki and Tommy can’t escape fast enough after soundcheck. The others all disappear within minutes, and he finds himself alone with Brian.

***

“Why have you been avoiding me?”

The question takes Tommy by surprise. “I wasn’t—”

“Yes, you were. Why?” With each word, Brian moves one step closer, his eyes never leaving Tommy.

Tommy loves and hates the way it makes him feel, as if he has no hope of hiding anything from Brian. The intensity, the demand in Brian’s gaze should make Tommy uneasy, but it never does. He hates that it never does.

Maybe that’s why he gives Brian the truth instead of his ready-made excuse. “I thought it would make things easier. You know. For you and me.”

***

“No, I don’t know. Easier to do what?”

Having reached his limit, Tommy drops his gaze to the ground. “To go back to normal without any hard feelings after this tour thing. Since we’ll have to work together again…” How he wishes it wasn’t only that. But he has enough self-preservation not to say it aloud.

Two fingers under his chin make him raise his head and look at Brian again. “Who the fuck said it was just a tour thing?”

Tommy’s heart trips and hammers in his chest with a hope that he quashes as fast as he can.

***

“It always is.” Tommy’s learned this much from his past experiences and he never wants to go through that kind of heartbreak again.

“Not with me,” Brian says, in the low tone that sends shivers down Tommy’s back. “Not unless you tell me it’s what you want.”

Tommy swallows hard against the dryness in his throat. It sounds too good to be true. “So what do we do now?”

“Tonight, we have a show,” Brian reminds him. “Tomorrow, we’ll be home. And we can start figuring out where we’re going with this.”

Tommy can’t deny that he loves that idea.


	2. Tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** #079: Fire.  
>  **Beta:** @leela_cat

“Tomorrow?” Tommy repeats, like he needs to hear it one more time or he won’t believe it.

“Tomorrow.” The word feels like a promise. Brian’s eyes are shining as he brings Tommy closer.

They barely have the time to kiss before their phones start beeping at the same moment, thanks to Johnny and Terrance, who want to know where the hell they disappeared to.

It’s tempting to ignore them, but Tommy and Brian are still at the arena, in a public space where anyone could see them, and they aren’t supposed to be back here for a couple of hours.

***

Tommy can’t help but lean into Brian’s touch when, instead of letting him go, Brian traces the line of Tommy’s neck with his fingertips. Heat flares in Brian’s gaze, and through Tommy, when he finally releases Tommy.

“Tomorrow,” Brian says again. It’s the same promise as before, but this time darker, dirtier.

Except Tommy will kill someone if _tomorrow_ doesn’t become _tonight_.

He doesn’t say anything. They join Johnny and Terrance to kill the few hours they have left.

Tommy smiles when he’s supposed to, puts in a word here and there, but Brian’s promise keeps dancing through his mind.

***

He still has doubts, and fears. Those won’t disappear in mere minutes, but they can wait until tomorrow. Tonight, he _wants._

During the show, he does everything he can to ramp up the fire he can already feel under his skin. He flirts with Ashley, with Adam, keeps his attention off Brian until Brian leaves him with no choice. Until every time their eyes meet, Tommy’s reminded how badly he’ll get burned.

He wants every second of it. He pushes and pushes, provoking Brian the best way he knows how. It’s all part of the game they play on stage.

***

From the moment they step into their hotel room, though, nothing is the same.

It might be the knowledge of what will start once they get back home, all the what ifs and the maybes slowly turning into reality.

They’ve fucked before – that’s what started this whole thing – but it never felt like this. Like Brian’s whole attention is on Tommy as he spreads Tommy on the bed and licks deep into his ass until Tommy’s whole world is reduced to Brian’s fingers and tongue and teeth. Until Tommy has no words left but Brian’s name and “more” and “ _please_.”

***

It’s never felt like this, but Tommy never wants to lose this strange, inexplicable sensation of belonging, of being right where he should be.

Not even when two fingers become three become four, leaving him gasping for air.

Not even when Brian’s fucking him deep, mouthing words into Tommy’s skin, words like “ _pretty_ ” and “ _mine_ ” and Tommy feels like this is so much more than he ever thought it could be.

Yet tonight doesn’t feel like a blip on the radar. It feels more like a taste of what’s to come.

And Tommy has a feeling it’s only the beginning.


	3. A Lack of Conviction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** #080: Dance Party.  
>  **Beta:** @leela_cat

They’re at the airport, patiently waiting for the plane that will take them home, and Ashley and Terrance are already talking about going out. While Tommy’s easier to convince not to hole up in his room when they’re out on tour, as soon as he hears the words, “Dance party,” he has to restrain himself from groaning aloud.

“Without me,” he calls out. “I need some time on my own.”

Ashley pouts at him, but he shakes his head. All he has in mind for tonight is to try and maybe get some sleep, if jetlag and insomnia allow it.

***

That is, until he feels the pressure of Brian’s thigh against his and Brian asks, so softly that Tommy’s the only one who can hear him, “Do you really need to be alone that badly?”

Tommy’s heart does that ridiculous pitter-patter in his chest, and he tries his best to ignore it. “What does that mean?”

“It means, am I going out with them or am I taking you back to mine? I know what I want to do,” Brian admits with a smile, “But it’s up to you.”

Tommy needs some time to himself, that wasn’t a lie. But…

***

“I’d need to drop my shit at my place first.”

Brian shrugs. “Sure. We can do that.”

Tommy hesitates. He’s aware he’s making things more complicated than they need to be, but after the way things happened the last time around, he thinks he’s being cautious, not silly. “When you said tomorrow, I had no idea you really meant tomorrow.”

“Tommy Joe.” There’s something in the way Brian says his name that forces Tommy to pay attention. “I rarely say things like that if I don’t mean them. Besides, we won’t have that much time before I’m leaving for NOLA.”

***

“I know.” Tommy sighs. “The whole thing scares me a little, that’s all.”

“That’s why we need to talk,” Brian reminds him.

Tommy takes a deep breath, and before he can stop himself, he says, “Sure. Take me home.”

His heart flutters again at Brian’s warm smile. It might have gone farther if not for the fact that, at this very moment, Tommy hears a little, “Awww,” that’s just loud enough to get him to look up.

He scowls at Ashley, who’s sitting in front of them, elbow on her armrest and chin in her hand, looking far too pleased.

***

“What the fuck, Ash?”

Ignoring him, she looks at Brian instead. “So I’m guessing you’re not going out with us either, right?” She looks way too happy about that.

“No, I’m not. But since your fun is listening to conversations that are none of your business, you already know that.”

Ashley puts her headphones back on, and turns her attention to her phone. Still, she keeps stealing glances at Tommy and Brian, often enough that it gets annoying, and Tommy snaps, “Stop it, Ash. There’s nothing to stare at.”

“Really? I’m sorry but you guys stopped being subtle weeks ago.”

***

“It’s not funny.” Usually Tommy doesn’t mind her teasing. Now, though, it’s grating on his nerves.

She doesn’t reply. Instead, she moves to the empty chair on his other side and says, “Come on, Tommy. Can’t I be happy that you guys finally got your heads out of your asses?”

Tommy shoves her out of the way. She’s laughing so hard that she nearly falls off and onto the floor.

She smiles at him.

Brian chooses this exact moment to link his fingers with Tommy’s and whisper, “She’s right, you know.”

Just like that, Tommy’s “Shut up” suddenly lacks conviction.


	4. The Weight of Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** #081: Obsession.  
>  **Beta:** @aislinntlc

They get to Brian’s place, but the promised conversation never happens. Tommy doesn’t have the words yet and Brian doesn’t insist. Instead, they share dinner and watch old movies and somehow, fall asleep on the couch, Tommy lying in the vee of Brian’s legs, his head on Brian’s chest.

When Tommy wakes up, the sun is coming up. He’s surprised, since he’s rarely up before midday, then he realizes that his body is still stuck on Eastern Europe time.

Jetlag sucks.

“Did I wake you up?” Brian asks.

Tommy shakes his head, surprised that Brian’s already awake, too. “Not really.”

***

“You wanna go back to sleep?”

Tommy laughs a little at the idea. If only. “I don’t think that’s gonna happen.”

“Okay.” Brian tightens his grip on Tommy’s waist, pulling him closer.

Tommy all but melts in Brian’s embrace. He’s feeling warm and safe, yet all it does is make him want to squirm and slip out of Brian’s arms. “What are we doing?” He asks, so softly that he’s not even sure he said it aloud.

“Watching the sunrise.” Tommy can hear the smile in Brian’s voice. “At least, that’s what I thought.”

“You know what I mean, Bri.”

***

A gentle hand on his face makes him turn his head and look at Brian. “What do you think we’re doing?”

They’re being couple-y, but Tommy isn’t ready to admit it. If he does, everything will seem too real.

When he doesn’t answer and look at the ground, Brian asks, softer, “What is it that scares you so much?”

Tommy swallows hard, trying his best to fight the pain and fear eating him inside. “What do you wanna hear?

“What you’re willing to tell me, Tommy Joe. Nothing more, nothing less.”

Except Tommy has no idea where he should start.

***

Especially since there’s this feeling again, that always grabs him whenever Brian uses his full name. Something he can’t quite grasp yet and that fascinates him as much as it scares him.

Instead of trying to understand what it all means, Tommy closes his eyes and lets the words come the way they will.

“When it started, we were… friends with some pretty awesome benefits. I never expected it to go any farther.” Tommy smiles half-heartedly at the memory. “She was awesome, but we were so fucking different. We were just having a good time, yanno? But then…” He sighs.

***

“What happened?” Brian asks when it becomes clear that without encouragement, Tommy won’t say anything.

“My dad…” Tommy takes a deep breath, another one. No fucking way is he gonna cry. “My dad’s death happened.”

He tenses all over. The next words stick in his throat to the point of making him choke.

Brian doesn’t say a thing. Instead, he moves his hand over Tommy’s body. Gentle scratching through Tommy’s hair, a soft stroke down his arm, a light kiss on his neck. Until Tommy finds his words again.

“I was,” He sneers in disgust at the memory, “Fucking needy.”

***

Truth is, he replaced one obsession with another. Instead of worrying constantly about his mother and his sister and the bills that would need to be paid, Liz became his whole world.

“While on tour, we were doing well.” Because when they were touring, there was Adam, who always seemed to understand what Tommy needed, even when Tommy himself didn’t.

Adam, who was always there, always knew if Tommy needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to kick his ass or something else entirely. It might be in part why he and Liz didn’t last after they came back home.

***

But it’s so much easier to let himself believe that it was just him expecting seriousness out of something that was nothing but a bit of tour fun. “When we came back home, it crashed and burned.”

Part of it was the situation, Tommy knows it. There were so many things that they couldn’t control, so many things that kept on pulling them apart. Yet Tommy can’t help but think it will happen again. That even if he’s more grounded than he was two years ago, he’ll get to the point where he needs something he has no words for.

***

And that no one can give him. “I was expecting too much, but I didn’t realize it. In the end, she said she didn’t think she could make me happy. I still have no fucking idea what she meant.” Or if he does, it’s really not something he wants to examine too closely.

There are many things Tommy could say, many details he should be giving, but he isn’t ready. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be.

He’s expecting the silence to grow until they’re both uncomfortable. Instead, Brian says, “Look at me, will you?”

He’s not asking. He’s telling.

***

It should make Tommy uneasy, but like a lot of other things that Brian says or does, it doesn’t.

Tommy opens his eyes and stares at Brian over his shoulder.

“The situation is completely different. You’re not the same person, either.” Brian waits until Tommy nods before he continues, “And we both want this to work. Am I wrong about that?”

Tommy shakes his head then realizes Brian is waiting for a real answer. “No. Well, yes. I mean, you’re right.”

Brian’s smile warms Tommy all over. Even though he still feels like he’s hoping for something that can’t happen.

***

“And I still think we can make it work. Even if you don’t believe it yet, I do.”

Brian brings his hand to Tommy’s face in a gentle caress. He waits until he has Tommy’s full attention. Then he says, “I’m not sure yet everything you need. But we can figure it out together.” He rests his palm against Tommy’s cheek, thumb wiping at the tears Tommy can’t hold back. “And if you let me? I think I can give it to you.”

Since it’s clear that Brian believes every word he’s saying, Tommy can’t help but believe him too.


	5. In Plain Sight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** #082: Always.  
>  **Beta:** @aislinntlc

At first, Brian thinks he must be imagining it. 

It’s nothing, really. Just a fleeting touch here, a comment there, and so rare that he nearly believes that he’s seeing things that don’t exist.

Until the moment when, on a break in rehearsal, Tommy goes to get a beer and Adam calls out, “Grab some water instead, Tommy.” 

Tommy rolls his eyes at him, sure, but when they start rehearsing again, there’s a bottle of water next to his phone and sunglasses. 

And when Adam ruffles Tommy’s hair, Brian can practically hear the _good boy_ that Adam won’t say aloud.

***

After that incident, he starts paying attention and realizes that he really wasn’t imagining things. 

It’s not even the way Adam acts that bugs him. It’s the way Tommy reacts. How all it takes is one of Adam’s kind words or encouragements to make him smile and stand up a little straighter, a little more confident. How he argues with anyone trying to tell him what to do but actually listens – _obeys_ – if Adam does the same.

Every time it happens, Brian can’t help but think that he wants to be the one to give this to Tommy. Not Adam.

***

It hurts and it eats at him a little more with every new thing he notices. This is something he’s only seen hints and glimpses of while he was alone with Tommy, now out in plain sight for anyone who knows what to look for. 

He tries his hardest not to let it show. He must not be that successful, though. During a break, Adam follows him when he goes out for a smoke and corners him with a, “What the fuck is your problem?”

Brian freezes with his cigarette halfway up to his mouth. “What are you talking about?”

***

“You’ve been snapping at me for no good reason. What the hell?”

Brian takes the time to light his cigarette as he tries to figure out what to say. “I was watching you and Tommy, and I didn’t like what I saw. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

“Sounds to me like you’re jealous.” It’s clear from Adam’s tone that he’s only teasing.

But there’s no way Brian can deny it. “A little, yeah.”

Adam rests his back against the building’s wall. “Tell me you’re kidding. You have no reason to be jealous, you should know that.”

***

“Yeah, I know.” Brian takes a drag before looking Adam in the eyes. “If you forget the way you dominate him.”

Adam stares at Brian then lets out a very soft, “Oh. That.”

“You don’t always act like that. Just often enough that I noticed.” Brian says, smiling a little. “I was half expecting you to deny it.” 

Adam shakes his head. “Why would I? You have eyes to see. And you know me.” He sighs, his shoulders slump. “I’m sorry. I’ve been trying to back off but it’s a pattern by now. It’s easy to fall back into it.”

***

“Funny how he didn’t tell me about this. I had to guess.”

Adam slides a hand through his hair, looking embarrassed. “It started two years ago. You know, when his father was sick and everything.”

Brian nods, waiting to see where this is going.

“Tommy was heading straight into a wall. Everyone around him was walking on eggshells and no one knew how to handle him.” Adam’s body goes rigid, as if the memory is enough to make him worry again. “So I stepped in and I took over, and I did my best to keep him on his feet.”

***

Brian shakes his head. “Only you would think of that.”

“Come on, Bri, you’ve seen the way he reacts.” Adam shrugs. “I needed to do something. And since it seemed to be helping him when nothing else could, I couldn’t just stop.”

“I can understand that.”

“But,” Adam says when Brian throws his cigarette away, stopping him before he can head back inside, “That doesn’t explain why you were jealous. Come on. Spill.”

Brian sighs and looks away. Trust Adam not to let him get away that easily. “Because I want to be the one who gives this to him.”

***

Something in Adam’s smile says that Brian’s answer is far from surprising him. “That’s a conversation you need to have with him, not with me.”

Brian snorts. “You think I don’t know that? I just wasn’t sure if I was reading things completely wrong.”

“I don’t think you were, but…” Adam trails off and hesitates. “You might wanna be careful. Back then, Tommy wasn’t completely aware of what was happening, or why. I have a feeling he still isn’t.”

It leaves Brian speechless for a few seconds. “That really doesn’t sound like you.”

“I’m not proud of that, believe me.”

***

“What happened?” Brian asks as they head back inside.

“Back then, I was only focusing on getting him through this, no matter how. There never seemed to be a good time for that conversation. Besides, he had Liz. I knew it wouldn’t head anywhere.” Adam shrugs. “So maybe after I met Sauli I didn’t make such an effort to talk things through.”

Adam throws a funny look at Brian when he laughs at the situation. 

“You have to admit it’s ironic,” Brian says. “What you’re telling me is that he’s had you as his Dom but he’s still mostly clueless.”

***

Glaring at Brian, Adam protests, “Not clueless, but… unaware, maybe. I told you I wasn’t proud of it. But with the situation—”

Putting a hand on Adam’s arm, Brian interrupts him before he can feel bad about the whole thing. “Yeah, I get it.”

Adam looks around fast, like he wants to make sure they’re still alone. “Look, I know he can take care of himself, and he’d kill me if he heard me say this, but… be careful with him.”

Brian can’t help but smile when he realizes how much Adam cares. Yet he says nothing but, “Always.”


	6. The Way It Could Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** #083: Masturbation  
>  **Beta:** @aislinntlc

The apartment is supposed to be empty. 

That’s the exact reason why Tommy’s wanking in the middle of the day: because he’s alone. That means that he can throw away his covers and not care about the fact that his clothes are scattered all around his room since no one will barge in without knocking. That means he can be as vocal as he wants while he pulls on his dick and fingers his ass.

That and the fact that he is so horny that there is no way in hell he can wait for Brian to get home tomorrow.

***

Tommy’s lying on the bed, hips rocking up to push his cock into the tight grip of his fist, then down to get his fingers deeper into his ass. Eyes closed, he’s lost in his fantasy, his thoughts of Brian, of Brian’s tongue and fingers and cock, filling him until he has no idea if he’s begging for more or less of everything. 

His heart stops when he realizes that he’s not as alone as he thought. Time suspends its course and Tommy barely dares to breathe, hands immobilized right where they were before he heard his room’s door close.

***

“Gorgeous.”

Tommy’s eyes fly open and he lets out a relieved breath, but still glares at Brian. “Fucker. You scared the shit out of me.”

As if he just realized the position he’s in, Tommy pulls his fingers out of his ass and wipes them as good as he can with the tissues he’s left on the side of his bed, blushing when he hears Brian chuckle.

“I told you I’d drop by once I made it home.”

“But you said you’d be back tomorrow.” Tommy makes a grab for his shirt, suddenly far too conscious of his own nudity. 

***

“Don’t.” Something in Brian’s voice stops Tommy in his tracks, but when he turns around to face Brian, it’s already gone, replaced by an easy, “Don’t let me stop you.”

“You kind of killed my mood.” The little bite that’s left in Tommy’s words disappears as Brian stares at him from head to toes, making him feel like Brian is about to eat him alive. 

Without saying a word, Brian stalks over to the bed, kneeling on the mattress.

Following the line of Tommy’s cock with the barely there touch of a finger, Brian asks, “Are you sure about that?” 

***

The touch makes Tommy shiver. It’s true that his erection hasn’t deflated at all. In fact, he feels himself getting harder just from the way Brian looks at him. 

In the end, he can’t resist reaching for Brian. “Come here.”

Brian only goes as far as needed to grab Tommy’s wrists and bring his arms over his head. Tommy’s breath catches in his throat at how helpless he suddenly feels – and how much it turns him on – before Brian finally kisses him. 

Within seconds, Tommy’s rocking his hips to get the smallest hint of friction as Brian kisses him breathless. 

***

Tommy’s breathing hard when they separate. Brian’s fingers bite into the skin of Tommy’s wrists when Tommy tries to follow Brian’s mouth. For a second, an hour, an eternity, they stay like this, immobile, as Brian searches for something in Tommy’s eyes, something Tommy can’t put into words yet. 

He doesn’t fight when Brian manhandles him until they’re both sitting, his back to Brian’s front and the hard pressure of Brian’s cock against his ass. 

He pushes into it, frustrated by the layers of Brian’s clothes between them. “You know, it will work better if you take your clothes off…”

***

“Who said I was gonna touch you?” 

“What?” Tommy turns his head, staring incredulously at Brian over his shoulder. 

Everything in Brian’s eyes, in Brian’s smile says he’s teasing. He only shrugs. “You seemed to be doing quite well on your own.”

Tommy’s glare turns murderous. “Because you weren’t there and not supposed to be back before tomorrow.”

“What if I tell you,” Brian drops his voice to a whisper, “that I won’t touch you because I wanna watch?”

“Didn’t you get an eyeful before I realized you were there?”

Tommy looks away when Brian chuckles again. This isn’t funny.

***

With an arm around Tommy’s waist, Brian brings him closer, until there isn’t even a breath between them. Tommy goes rigid, their closeness a sharp reminder of the fact that Brian is still fully clothed, making Tommy far too self-conscious about his nudity. 

“Yeah, I saw you. Now, I want to watch, and see what you look like when you’re jerking off and aware that I’m watching you. What you look like while you make yourself come for me.”

Brian’s words weave a spell over Tommy, the fight seeping out of him with the images they bring to his mind.

***

“Show me what you look like doing exactly what I tell you, and bring yourself off only when I say so. Unless,” Brian brings a gentle hand to Tommy’s cheek, making him turn his head and look at Brian again, waiting until he has Tommy’s full attention, “You really don’t want to.”

Tommy’s aware Brian is giving him an out, but the last thing he wants is to take it. The demand Tommy hears in Brian’s voice holds him in place better than Brian’s hands on him ever could.

When he replies, it’s barely above a whisper. “I want it.”

***

He feels like he’s frozen in place, only regaining control of his body when Brian guides Tommy’s hand back to his dick. 

Brian’s pleased smile warms Tommy all over. Still he remains unmoving, waiting. He’s starting to figure out that this isn’t his decision. Not anymore. He swallows hard when the idea brings shivers of anticipation down his back, surprised at how right it feels.

As promised, Brian’s fingers drift away until Tommy’s left with nothing but a gentle, barely felt caress on his thighs and Brian’s arm around his waist. 

“Go ahead, Tommy Joe. Show me what you like.”

***

Tommy closes his eyes, as if it will let him forget Brian’s presence at his back, Brian’s hands and eyes on him, trying his hardest to get back where he was before Brian interrupted him. 

He fists his cock, whimpering at the sensation. He won’t last long. 

“Slowly, baby. Play with yourself. We have all the time in the world.”

Tommy doesn’t quite agree with that – he’s been waiting long enough as it is – yet he finds himself doing as Brian says, playing with his cock instead of rushing toward orgasm, fingers gliding over his balls to tease his hole.

***

He’s still loose and wet and open and he doesn’t even think before pushing two fingers inside. There’s a little bit of a drag, just on the right side of _oh, fuck yes_ , enough that Tommy barely even notice Brian’s arm leaving his waist. 

Brian’s hands on Tommy thighs makes him spread his legs wider until Brian can thrust inside and trap Tommy’s fingers with his. 

Tommy loses his breath at how full he suddenly is, the little hint of pain making everything brighter. 

“Faster, now. But don’t you dare come.”

The words nearly make Tommy come on the spot.

***

The knowledge that it isn’t his decision, that even though he’s jerking off he isn’t the one controlling this is a rush like he’s rarely ever felt. 

He tugs on his cock, slowing down again every time he feels his balls tighten and knows he’s getting too close. 

The sound that comes out of his mouth when Brian pushes their fingers deeper inside can only be described as a whine. Tommy blushes deep red when he realizes it, his head lolling on Brian’s shoulder. “Come on, Bri…”

“Don’t come yet, baby. Wait a little more. Hold yourself back for me.”

***

Tommy’s hips rock against his will, the _for me_ hitting all the right buttons. Between the pressure of fingers in his ass, his hand on his cock and Brian’s words, he has no idea if he can keep himself in check any longer. 

He feels his orgasm build in his lower back, a wave threatening to drown him. He looks at Brian over his shoulder, lets out another, “Come on,” that sounds far too pitiful because he has no idea what Brian is waiting for. 

“Ask for it, baby.”

Tommy could scream in frustration. Isn’t that what he’s been doing?

***

His breath catches in his throat when he figures it out. Even then, it’s hard to ask. As he does, the blush on his face creeps down his neck. “Please. Let me?”

Brian’s smile fills Tommy with a strange kind of pride when he realizes he was right.

“Go ahead. Come for me.”

It’s with the mix of Tommy’s hands on his body, of the blunt nails Brian rakes on Tommy’s thigh, of the barely there feeling of Brian’s teeth on Tommy’s neck that Tommy comes, all over his hand. 

The not quite bite on his neck becomes a kiss.

***

Tommy can still feel the pressure of Brian’s hard cock against his ass, but only in a distant way. The strength of his orgasm left him limp as a ragdoll in Brian’s arms. 

He’s vaguely aware of Brian wiping him clean as best as he can and holding him close, petting his hair and murmuring nonsense against his skin. 

Tommy makes the effort to ask, “What the fuck was that?” He badly needs to understand.

“That?” Brian whispers, his breath a hot puff of air against Tommy’s neck, making Tommy shiver. “Just a taste of the way it could be.”


	7. Winds of Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** #084: Howl  
>  **Beta:** @aislinntlc

They’ve spent the day at the beach with some of Brian’s friends. There were plans for a campfire tonight, but the howling wind and upcoming thunderstorm chased everyone back inside the beach house. Those who thought they could sleep went to bed, and it’s late enough that Brian and Tommy are the only ones who are still up. 

They’re cuddling on the couch, facing one of the bay windows. There’s something fascinating about watching a thunderstorm over the ocean at night, the sheer strength of it, the little moments of quietness before the lightning strikes, before the thunder rumbles again. 

***

“It’s not just a sex thing for you, right?”

Tommy’s question takes Brian by surprise, and it takes him a second to realize that Tommy picked up the conversation right where they ended it, a couple of days ago, because Tommy was too out of it. He takes the time he needs to figure out how to explain it. 

“No, it’s not. It’s a way of being together. The sex thing, as you call it,” He allows himself a smile, “is an extension of that dynamic.”

Tommy turns around in Brian’s arms until he can look Brian in the eyes.

***

“What would it mean?”

Tommy’s being so quiet, so very careful that Brian knows he needs to tread cautiously. Even if part of it is probably due to the fact that, while they’re pretty sure everybody else is asleep, this isn’t the kind of conversation either of them would want someone to eavesdrop on. 

“It would mean you allowing me to take care of you and see to your needs. Not unlike what happened the other night.”

Tommy nods. “Yeah, I got that, but for real. Like, gimme examples.”

Tommy’s whole attention is on Brian, open and ready to listen.

***

So Brian starts talking and gives Tommy exactly what he asked for: examples. Some of them he draws from his own experience, or from things he wishes for them. Others, he takes straight from Tommy’s behavior around Adam. 

Through the whole thing, he watches for Tommy’s reactions, for the flashes of recognition in his eyes when he sees his own actions reflected in Brian’s words, the little hints of interest or curiosity. He does his best to remember when they happen, and changes the subject, fast, when he’s not sure. There are things he knows Tommy isn’t ready to hear. 

***

Once Brian is done talking, Tommy stays silent for a moment that seems to stretch into eternity. 

When he finally replies, it’s so soft that Brian has to strain to hear him. “Some of it sounds familiar,” he admits with a soft sigh, “and the other night was awesome. But I’m not sure if this is me.”

Brian thinks that it’s not that Tommy can’t recognize himself; it’s that he recognizes too much of himself. Yet he doesn’t dare say it.

“What if I say the all the time thing might make me uncomfortable? Would that be a deal breaker?”

***

“This – if it happens,” because at this point it’s still an _if_ , no matter how much Brian thinks that they fit together, “It will be only because we both want it. If we get there, the point is to find a place where we can both be comfortable. And we can take things as slow as you need. I want you to feel good and safe, above everything else.”

Tommy already seems a little less skittish, a little more confident when he says, “But? There’s a but, right?”

“What makes you say that?”

Tommy shrugs. “You didn’t answer my question.”

***

In another situation, Brian would be okay with keeping it in bed. But it isn’t that simple. Especially since he knows he can’t count Adam out of the equation yet. “If I have to keep watching you getting this thing you obviously need from somebody who isn’t me, I can’t promise it won’t become a deal breaker. I’m a little bit possessive.”

Tommy laughs at that. Brian can’t help but smile because, okay, _a little_ is very fucking far from the truth.

But the first part of that sentence seems to stick in Tommy’s head. “What are you talking about?”

***

This really isn’t where Brian meant for that conversation to go, not yet, at least. But he’s aware they’ll have to talk about it at some point, so he says the name that, to him, sums up everything. “Adam.”

Tommy, however, looks completely lost. “What the fuck has Adam got to do with anything?”

Knowing that he’s about to hit a sore point, Brian replies, as gently as he can, “This thing between us? I had no idea if I was getting it right. When we’re in bed, you let go, but the rest of the time, not so much.”

***

“So it took me watching the way you reacted to Adam to realize that I wasn’t just seeing what I wanted to see.”

Tommy stiffens in Brian’s arms as he argues, “We’re friends, that’s it. There’s never been anything between us.”

“I know,” Brian replies, keeping his voice soft. “But it wasn’t until I noticed the way you submit to him that I knew what I saw in you wasn’t just in my mind.”

Tommy turns away, looking at the thunderstorm raging outside. “I don’t.” He lacks conviction. It would be so easy to bring him to his breaking point.

***

But there are things Tommy needs to figure out by himself. So Brian only says, “You listen to him, to what he tells you in a way you don’t with anybody else. It’s easy to see that his opinion matters a lot to you.”

Tommy can’t really argue, yet he says, “I still think you’re wrong.”

Brian bites back a frustrated sigh. “Okay. How about this?” With gentle fingers, he makes Tommy turn his head and look at him. “Just pay attention to the way you act around him. Then, if you say again that I’m wrong, I’ll believe you.”

**

It takes so long for Tommy to say anything that Brian is nearly expecting him to refuse. Instead, Tommy offers Brian a small smile. “All right. I’ll try.”

Without thinking, Brian pulls Tommy closer and whispers a quiet, “Good boy,” against his hair. 

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, he’s tempted to take them back, worried that he might be pushing too fast. They didn’t agree to anything yet. 

However, once he notices the way the praise makes Tommy preen like a peacock, he can’t bring himself to regret it. Not when it feels so right.


	8. Introspection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** #085: Behind the Scenes  
>  **Beta:** @leela_cat

Paying real attention to the way he acts around Adam is one of the weirdest things Tommy’s ever done. 

He’s not blind. He knows that his and Adam’s friendship acquired some pretty fucked up boundaries around the time his father died.

But he never questioned it, in part because he knew that Adam was, sometimes, the only person capable of keeping him on his feet. 

Sometimes, it felt like Tommy was right on the edge of a big, black hole, and Adam was the only thing stopping him from falling in.

He’s never really had a reason to wonder why.

***

Tommy knows how it feels, but he’s never tried to put it into words. It was nothing, really. Nothing but he and Adam being who they are. 

Besides, he honestly thought they’d left it behind after GNT. It was a moment in time, a moment when he’d felt so very fucked up and vulnerable, and Adam was the only one who seemed to get him, to understand. 

Then… he got better. That strange thing between them melted away, until the only thing left behind was a friendship nothing can destroy, that always makes Tommy feel like he can face anything.

***

Their friendship is something he doesn’t want to lose, if only because it was the one thing that kept his head above the water during one of the worst moments of his life. It was easier not to look at anything too closely and go with the flow. 

Now, though, he has to take a step back and examine his actions. It feels so weird, as if he is both playing on stage and overseeing everything going on behind the scenes at the same time. 

Tommy would like nothing better than to say Brian is wrong and leave it there. 

***

But he can’t do that. In part because, when he said that he would try, he meant it. 

And he’s also aware that if he said that, it would be a lie. It’s true that he’s never tried to put it into words, and maybe the way Brian described it doesn’t quite fit with the way Tommy himself sees it. But he knows there’s something. 

And saying that it’s nothing would feel like lying to himself. 

So he does what he promised, even though it makes him uneasy, even though he’s aware he might not like what he figures out.

***

And he pays attention. 

At first he sees nothing but, well, he and Adam and the way they’ve always been around each other. 

It takes an early rehearsal at ass o’clock in the morning for him to realize the truth. When he comes in with his usual coffee, Adam narrows his eyes at him and asks, “This is coffee number…?”

Tommy doesn’t even think of lying. “Three.”

Adam just sighs and shakes his head. Minutes later, he’s back with a bottle of orange juice that he hands to Tommy. “Here, take this. It’ll be a lot better for your health.”

***

Tommy rolls his eyes at Adam, but he still takes the bottle.

He thinks nothing of it until Ashley says, “If you’re not gonna drink that coffee, I’d be happy to take it off your hands instead of letting it get cold.”

Tommy blinks at her. When he looks down, he realizes that his coffee cup is still full and that he’s already downed half the juice Adam handed him without even thinking about it.

It’s so close to some of the things he and Brian talked about that it’s like someone dumped him in a pool of cold water. 

***

After that revelation, it’s impossible for Tommy not to see what’s happening. Nothing’s really changed. It’s just him seeing things in a different light. 

He slowly realizes that many of the patterns he’d thought they’d left behind two years ago are still lurking in the corners. They’ve been interacting this way for so long that Tommy never stopped to think about it.

Now that he does, he can’t help but notice how many of the things Brian said must have been taken straight from the way he’s seen Tommy behave around Adam. 

It makes the whole thing a little scary.

***

Tommy still isn’t sure he’ll be comfortable with an all the time thing. However, he’s also very aware that if he wants this thing that’s slowly growing between him and Brian to go somewhere – and he wants that so badly – many of the patterns he still has with Adam need to disappear.

It shouldn’t scare him. It shouldn’t feel like he’s about to lose an important part of himself, but it does. This thing with Adam is what got him through his grief when his father died. 

Tommy has no idea if he can keep going without any of it.

***

He won’t have to. He understands that much from what Brian said. 

But with Adam, it’s always easy, because they’re friends, first and foremost. Because there’s no chance that it will evolve into something more than friendship. Because Adam’s already seen Tommy go through hell and back, and he is still there.

Tommy has no idea if he can give anybody else that much trust, that much of himself. 

His turmoil must show on his face. During their next break, Adam walks up to him and asks, “You okay, Tommy?”

It’s so tempting to explain things and talk them through.

***

But Tommy’s aware that it isn’t Adam he needs to discuss this with, no matter how tempting it is, how much easier he thinks it would be.

Because if he wants things to work with Brian, that’s where he needs to start. With honesty.

For now, he smiles at Adam and shrugs. “I will be.” And he believes that.

He’s a little surprised when Adam doesn’t insist, but he doesn’t mind. Adam probably realizes that no matter what’s going on in Tommy’s head, it isn’t something he can help with. 

And here Tommy thought that understanding things would simplify them.


	9. Choosing His Path

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** #016: Midnight Secrets (open week).  
>  **Beta:** @leela_cat

“Are you still awake enough for us to talk?”

Brian hides an amused smile. It’s so late in the evening that he’s started dozing off and he has a feeling that Tommy’s doing this on purpose. They spent part of the afternoon jamming and figuring out that writing songs together could actually work. They shared dinner and retreated to the living room afterward, watching a movie that was background noise more than anything else. 

Tommy’s had plenty of occasions to ask. Yet he waited until Brian was nearly asleep, like he was hoping to delay that conversation a little longer. 

***

Brian doesn’t call him out on it, though. He knows the whole thing still makes Tommy uncomfortable, that really paying attention to himself and his reactions means Tommy had to face some things that he might not have figured out on his own. 

It’s always hard to have somebody else pointing out what it is, exactly, that you’ve been doing, especially when it’s such a vulnerable side of yourself as submitting can be. Brian’s aware of that, so he hasn’t asked; he’s waited until Tommy found it in himself to start the conversation. 

Even this probably wasn’t easy for him.

***

That’s most likely the only reason why Tommy waited so long: talking about it still makes him uncomfortable enough that he’s trying to ground himself however he can. Since he’s such a night bird, that means starting this kind of conversation when everybody else is going to bed. 

“Yeah, I’m good,” Brian says. “Talk about what?”

He feels Tommy gently push him away and has to restrain himself not to hold Tommy right where he is. He lets him go and sees Tommy cast his gaze all over the floor, the walls, anything to avoid looking Brian in the eyes. 

***

This avoidance lasts long enough that Brian reaches for Tommy and brings his hand to Tommy’s cheek in a gentle caress that finally quiets Tommy. “Talk about what?” Brian repeats, keeping his voice soft.

“Maybe you weren’t wrong, about me and Adam.” Tommy bites his lip, a nervous gesture that has Brian wanting to make him stop before he hurts himself. “About me.”

“And?” Brian asks when it becomes clear that Tommy won’t keep going on his own. “What do you think?”

“I think… He…” Tommy lets out a frustrated sigh. “I have no fucking idea how to say this.”

***

Brian lets his hand drift to Tommy’s neck. “Take your time, baby. We’re not in a hurry.”

Tommy takes a deep breath, then another. “The habits I still have with him… they need to disappear, right? I mean, it won’t work otherwise? You and me?”

Suddenly, the tiny space between them is a lot more than Brian can take. “Come here.” 

Tommy does it so easily that it’s clear he wanted nothing more than this.

Waiting until he has Tommy safely in his arms, on his lap, Brian says, “No, it won’t. No matter how much we both want it.”

***

“Why?”

“I told you already.”

Tommy shrugs. “While trying to avoid the question.”

Brian holds Tommy’s gaze long enough to be convinced that Tommy wants an honest answer. “If we don’t go there and I have to keep watching the two of you? It’ll eat me up because it’ll be a constant reminder that the possibility exists, and I have no idea how I’ll react to that.”

“It’s such a huge part of our friendship by now. The idea of going without any of it is fucking scary.”

Brian shakes his head. “But I’m not expecting you to go without.”

***

“What are you expecting, then?” Tommy raises his chin, like everything in him is ready to rebel.

So Brian changes the verb on purpose. “I’m _hoping_ that you can trust me enough to let me do it for you.”

That leaves Tommy speechless. 

When he stays silent, Brian puts his hand on the back of Tommy’s head, high in his hair, and drops his voice lower as he says, “If we do this? I want _all_ of you. Not just the crumbs that are all I can hope for because, deep down, you’re still _his_.”

Tommy shivers in Brian’s arms. 

***

Tommy closes his eyes, and Brian can feel Tommy stiffen. Before he can start worrying, though, he hears Tommy’s breathy whisper, a soft, barely audible, “Oh, _fuck_.”

When Tommy finally raises his head to look at Brian again, his eyes are dark with desire. 

_Oh_. Brian files that information away for later. He won’t do anything about it for now, though. If he did, it would be far too tempting to give in to the possessive urge and leave his marks all over Tommy’s body. Brian has a feeling that, at this point, it would only mess with Tommy’s head.

***

Besides, before he allows himself to take and mark Tommy like that, he has to know that it won’t be just a one-time thing that might never happen again. He needs it to be something real and tangible, the kind of connection they’ll both feel all the time and that leaves its mark everywhere, even when they’re not together. 

No way is he forgetting this moment, however, and Tommy’s reaction. 

Tommy finally breaks the silence. “This thing between Adam and me, it’s just, always been there. Like, it’s Adam, you know? He’s a certainty, no matter how bad things get.”

***

“I think I get it. He was there when you needed someone the most.”

Tommy nods. “He saw me at my lowest point, and that didn’t chase him away. I don’t think anything could. No matter what, he’ll still be there. And I…” He trails off, like he can’t bring himself to say it.

Brian traces soft circles on the back of Tommy’s neck until he feels Tommy loosen up a little. “Go ahead. I’m listening.”

“This whole… thing, between us, I’ve never seen it for what it was. Now I think maybe I understand why and how it happened.”

***

Brian raises an eyebrow, surprised. “You’ve thought about this a lot.”

“Well, I kind of had to.” Tommy bites his lip again. The whole conversation must make him even more nervous than Brian thought. “To figure out what I wanted.”

Tommy’s words give Brian a crazy kind of hope, but he’s aware that rushing through this conversation wouldn’t be good for either of them. So he stays silent and he waits. 

When Tommy is finally comfortable enough to explain what he thinks, his voice is barely above a whisper. But at least he’s not trying to look away from Brian. 

***

“Like, two years ago? I was lost. I knew I had to keep going, but I had no idea how.” Tommy takes a deep breath. 

Without speaking, Brian brushes his fingers through Tommy’s hair, giving him what little comfort he can. 

“Adam was just there, you know? Solid and grounding and always _there_. It’s like I desperately needed someone to hold me up when it felt like I couldn’t do it myself, like,” Tommy takes another breath, as if he’s trying to gather all his courage, “I needed someone I could submit to. Adam understood that even though I didn’t.”

***

Brian nods, waiting to see where Tommy is going with this. 

“Thing is, he saw me at my worst and he proved that he wasn’t going anywhere. Since we’re just friends, I know he won’t disappear when I need him the most.” Tommy clears his throat. “I have no fucking idea if I can trust anybody else like I trust him. I don’t know if I can give anybody else that much of myself.”

It sounds like a rejection, but Brian forces himself to wait until Tommy’s done before he says anything. 

Tommy is still looking Brian in the eyes. 

***

Without even trying to look away, Tommy brings his hands up and links his fingers around Brian’s neck. “But I’ll never know if I can unless I try.” He finally drops his gaze, seeming almost shy. “And I want to try. With you.”

Brian’s breath catches in his throat. This is everything he was hoping to hear, but first, he needs to ask. “You’re not doing this for me, are you? Just because you know it’s what I want?”

Tommy shakes his head. “I’m doing this for _me_ , because I need to figure things out. Because it’s what _I_ want.” 

***

“Come here.” Finally giving in to the desire he’s been holding back, Brian brings Tommy closer with a light pressure at the back of his head and kisses him.

Brian keeps it soft, a barely there touch, until he feels Tommy sigh into his mouth. Then he takes control of the kiss, pushing and pushing until he has Tommy right where he wants him, almost lax in his arms. 

When they separate, Tommy’s breathing hard. “What now?”

“Now,” Brian brushes another soft kiss against Tommy’s temple, “We try and get some sleep. And tomorrow, we can start talking for real.”


	10. Negotiations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** #053: Change (open week).  
>  **Beta:** @aislinntlc

The next morning over breakfast, Tommy and Brian start talking. Tommy quickly understands why it’s called _negotiating_ : it’s a complicated game of give and take and trying to figure out the point where they’ll both be comfortable. 

They agree to take things slowly, if only because they will both need time to adapt, and Adam will also need to back off – even though Brian doesn’t say it like that, Tommy knows he’ll need to have a serious conversation with Adam soon. 

Thing is, even if they’re not in a hurry, this kind of relationship still means establishing rules and boundaries. 

***

Tommy’s aware that it will probably be harder than it was with Adam. It’s not a question of trust. It’s the simple fact that what he had with Adam started back when they were living in each other’s pockets, at a time when Tommy desperately needed someone to keep him on his feet. It was easy to let Adam take over and follow his lead. 

And it was never like this, with clearly defined rules and consequences. It was just this thing between them that made everything so much easier, with Adam looking after Tommy and taking care of him. 

***

But it never felt like a conscious choice to obey Adam’s rules, even though Tommy now understands that it’s what he was doing. 

This is both easier, because he knows exactly what’s expected of him, and harder, because he has to make the effort to obey the rules even when he and Brian aren’t together. 

It’s all very simple things, like eating some substantial breakfast before he gets his second coffee or trying to get a decent amount of sleep. It’s close enough to what Tommy remembers it being with Adam for it to feel familiar and safe and grounding. 

***

They extend the negotiating to the next couple of days. The face Tommy makes when he realizes how very far they are from being done talking shocks a laugh out of Brian. 

“You better get used to the talking, Tommy Joe,” he says as he pulls Tommy close. “Just because we decide things now doesn’t mean they’re set in stone.”

Still, more talking means more conversations that leave Tommy blushing to the root of his hair or with a hard dick that he _isn’t_ allowed to take care of because he gave that up pretty early on in their conversation. 

***

Tommy blames it a little on the way Brian says it, once they’re sitting on the couch with Tommy half in Brian’s lap. 

“No coming unless we’re together.”

The idea make Tommy’s mouth go dry and he asks, “Where the fuck did that come from?”

Brian chuckles, his breath caressing Tommy’s ear. “It comes from, you belong to me, and so does your body. That means I get to decide how, when, and where.”

Tommy’s blood rushes south but he still has enough brain cells to think. “Does that apply to jerking off too?”

“Yes, it applies to masturbation. Why?”

***

Tommy looks at Brian over his shoulder. “Didn’t you say that rules need to be consistent and shit?”

“I did. Your point is…?” Brian looks completely lost. 

“That I’m not going without every fucking time you’re out of town. It happens way too often.”

Brian presses his lips together.

Tommy wonders if they’re about to hit the first bump in the road before he understands. “Are you laughing at me?”

“A little,” Brian admits. “I should have known this is what you’d choose to argue over.”

Tommy smiles. The idea of giving up that kind of control is fucking tempting.

***

It reminds him of the night when Brian caught him wanking and he had to wait for Brian’s permission to come. Just the idea is enough to make his cock fill. 

“What if…” Tommy swallows hard, wishes he would stop blushing – he’s pretty sure he hasn’t blushed this much since he was a virgin, and that was many years ago. “What if I ask? Like, I don’t get to come unless we’re together, or unless I call you and ask for permission. Would that work?”

Brian’s smile is far too pleased, but Tommy can’t find it in himself to mind.

***

“Of course, baby. That works.”

So it does. Though if Tommy had any idea how much these very frank, blush worthy conversations were going to turn him on, he might not have been that eager to give up control over his dick. 

Together, they agree on how far Brian’s reach is going to go – pretty fucking far, enough that Tommy’s surprised by how okay he is with the idea.

It doesn’t make him want to take a step back, though, in part because he’s aware that it might change when it actually happens. Another reason why they’re taking things slow.

***

That, and the fact that Brian’s made it clear that some things won’t happen until Tommy’s ready for them. Tommy’s grateful for it, he really is, so he tries not to let it show that he isn’t completely good with that.

It probably isn’t a success, because it takes mere seconds for Brian to ask, “Why do you look like that?”

Tommy shrugs. “Like what?”

“Like you disagree with something but don’t wanna say it.”

Sighing, Tommy does his best to try and figure out how to explain. In moments like this, he hates how easily Brian can read him. 

***

Trying to buy himself some time, Tommy grabs a bottle of water from the fridge – no beer in the middle of the day when it’s that hot outside, see, he’s being _good_ – and picks at the label on the bottle when he sits on the couch again.

“Tommy Joe.” The warning is clear in Brian’s voice. “Stop stalling.” 

“It’s not such a big deal,” Tommy says, hoping that Brian will let it drop. 

Of course, Brian doesn’t. “Maybe, but if it’s making you that antsy, it’s definitely something we need to talk about.”

Stubbornly, Tommy looks down at the floor. 

***

Before Brian can ask again, though, Tommy finally finds the courage to say, “I understand why you say it has to come from me, but there are things that I don’t think I can do on my own, no matter how much I want, or need, them.”

“Look at me.” 

Slowly, Tommy raises his head. 

“It has to come from you,” Brian says. “I want to know that when you go to your knees for me, it’s because you need it. And I want you to know that, too.”

It would be easy to accept the explanation as it is. 

***

But Tommy has a feeling there’s more to it. He moves toward the spot he was previously occupying between Brian’s legs until Brian pulls him closer. “Why is it that important to you?”

Tommy feels Brian’s soft sigh on his hair. “Let’s just say I’ve had partners who did the whole trying to change to please me even though they weren’t into any of it. It never ended well. I need to be sure you’re not doing this for me.” 

“I told you—”

“It’s not that I don’t believe you, but I don’t want to have any doubts left.”

***

Tommy understands it so much better now, but it doesn’t change a thing about the way it feels to him. “There has to be a way so it won’t rest all on you or on me, right?”

With gentle fingers on Tommy’s chin, Brian makes Tommy turn his head and look at him. “What do you mean?” 

“I get that many things have to come from me, but as I said, there are steps I don’t think I can take on my own. Some of them could be your call. It would be easier on me, that’s all I’m saying.”

***

Brian stays silent long enough that Tommy’s expecting him to refuse. Instead, he says, “If we do that, we’d have to be very clear on what’s your decision and what’s mine.”

“I know.” Tommy shrugs. 

It’s isn’t easy, but in the end, they agree that while some things, like Tommy going to his knees, have to come from him, for some others, like Brian feeding him or shaving him, it will be up to Brian as to when they happen for the first time.

Knowing that he won’t have to ask for those things makes Tommy breathe a little easier. 

***

He has no problem talking things out, even if it still makes him blush in a ridiculous way. And he understands that he has to get used to the talking – even though it still feels a little like too much fucking talking and not enough doing – and to asking for what he wants, what he needs. 

But he can’t help but feel like there are things he shouldn’t have to ask for. That as long as they’ve agreed it will happen, the when shouldn’t always be up to him. 

That, maybe, he needs it not to be up to him. 

***

They talk about safewords, too, and that makes Tommy a little nervous, enough that Brian feels the need to remind him, “Not everything needs to change all at once, you know that, right? We can take our time.”

Tommy knows it. He’s aware that Brian’s been easing him into things, so slowly that he barely notices the changes until they’ve firmly taken shape. He doesn’t mind, he’s even glad to have the time to adjust, but it also feels like there’s something missing, even though Tommy couldn’t say exactly what.

He figures it out at the end of an evening.

***

It’s after a hot shower – when they have to clean up a second time because Brian crowded Tommy against the wall, slowly jacking him off while whispering in his ear everything he wants to do to him – that Tommy finally understands. 

“You’ve been holding back.” He doesn’t mean for it to sound like an accusation but it does, enough to make him cringe. 

Brian’s hands stop on Tommy’s back, holding the towel he was drying Tommy with. “So what if I have?”

Tommy takes a step, putting a little distance between them. He can still see Brian in the mirror.

***

“You don’t have to treat me like a fucking porcelain doll, I’m not gonna break.”

Within seconds, Tommy’s caught between the bathroom counter and Brian’s body. Brian fits his hand to Tommy’s throat, forcing him to pay attention. 

“If I have my way,” Brian murmurs, dark and seductive, “you will. So we’re taking things slow.”

Tommy melts in Brian’s arms, lets Brian take his weight.

“See this?” Brian angles Tommy’s head so he can do nothing but look at their reflection in the mirror. “This is the surrender I want. The moment when I’ll know you’re mine, body and soul.”

***

“I’m good with waiting for you to get there.”

Tommy swallows hard against the dryness of his throat. If only to himself, he’s willing to admit that he doesn’t understand. Not yet. Not completely. 

“You’re gonna have to show me.” Tommy never meant to say that aloud, but now that the words hang heavy in the air between them, no way is he taking them back. 

Brian’s slow smile is predatory enough to send shivers down Tommy’s back. 

There’s a not quite bite on his neck, the barely there, unmistakable feeling of teeth.

“I will. When you’re ready, I will.”


	11. Waking Desire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, this is just a tease because I'm still fighting with TJRBB. Regular updates will (hopefully) resume next week.
> 
> **Prompt #088:** Skin  
>  **Beta:** @aislinntlc

Tommy wakes up to the feeling of skin on skin, of Brian’s fingertips lightly tracing the lines of his body. 

Still half-caught in his dream, he lets out a happy sigh.

“You awake yet?” Brian’s voice is barely above a whisper.

“Not really.”

“You want me to wake you up for real?”

A wave of anticipation climbs up Tommy’s spine. “Maybe.”

He sighs and just about melts into the bed at the feeling of Brian’s tongue on his nipple, only to suck in a breath when the harsh caress of Brian’s stubble follows it.

“Is it working?”

“I’m not sure.”

***

Brian laughs, low and pleased. Tommy opens his eyes. 

“Think you’re still asleep?”

Tommy presses closer. “Well, a part of me is very, very awake…” 

“This?” Brian surrounds Tommy’s cock with his hand. “Yeah, I noticed. Do you want me to do something about it?” 

One stroke, two, three, and Tommy’s already on edge.

“Or,” the scratch of Brian’s blunt nails on Tommy’s chest, on the sensitive skin of his nipple, “do you want to find out how I can make you fall apart,” a kiss, “without touching your dick?”

Brian’s words go straight to Tommy’s cock.

“Show me. _Please._ ”


	12. Catch Me When I Fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** #089: Shameless Boyz  
>  **Beta:** @aislinntlc

The mood changes as soon as the plea falls from Tommy’s lips. 

Fingers still playing with Tommy’s skin, Brian says, “Give me your word, boy.”

Tommy’s mouth dries at the unmistakable command in Brian’s voice. He swallows hard, once, twice, before he finally gets his voice back. “Fender.”

Brian arches an eyebrow and Tommy has to restrain himself from rolling his eyes. Yes, he knows it’s not the best idea for day to day business, but as far as the sex thing is concerned, it works. 

Besides, that way, he’s sure that it’s something he won’t forget, no matter what.

***

Yet Brian doesn’t comment on it. “You use it if you need it, you hear me?”

“Yes. I will.”

Brian’s wicked smile makes Tommy feel like Brian is about to eat him alive. “Gimme your hands.”

Slowly, Brian guides Tommy’s hands to the edge of the mattress. “Can you keep them there?”

Tommy tightens his grip and gives a sharp nod. 

All that gets him is Brian’s hand pulling on the short hair on the back of his neck. “When I ask you a question, Tommy, I want a real answer.”

Tommy can’t look away, but his words fail him.

***

Long seconds go by as Tommy realizes that he’s about to plunge into the deep end, and he needs to trust that Brian will catch him before he drowns. 

Brian waits until it becomes clear that Tommy won’t find his footing without help. “Let’s try again. Can you keep still for me?”

Tommy has no idea if it’s the word change or because he’s made some way in his own head, but it works. “Yes. I will.” 

Brian’s hold on Tommy’s hair turns gentle. “Good boy.”

The praise warms Tommy all over and pushes him just a little bit farther. 

***

“Don’t forget. You don’t come until I say you can.”

Brian’s words make Tommy’s blood rush south. His breath catches in his throat. Out of habit, he nods before he catches himself and forces the words out. “I remember.”

After another warm, approving smile, Brian attacks. 

Within seconds, Tommy realizes that he should have paid more attention to the way Brian suggested this. 

_Or do you want to find out how I can make you fall apart without touching your dick?_

The intensity behind Brian’s actions clearly shows that this isn’t about making Tommy come; it’s about taking him apart.

***

It’s about bringing him to the point where he feels like he will break into a million tiny pieces. 

Each touch, each hint of blunt nails on his skin, each barely there caress, each soft kiss, each small bite gets him a little closer. 

He tightens his grip on the mattress, holds on as best as he can through the storm that takes hold of him, a sea of sensations that makes everything else pale in comparison. He uses the feeling of the mattress under his fingers to keep himself from shattering. 

“Don’t fight it, baby. Let go for me.”

***

As promised, Brian avoids Tommy’s cock, moving from his chest to his thighs and back again. He sucks bruises into the skin of Tommy’s lower stomach, tearing whimpers out of Tommy’s throat and ignoring the way Tommy’s cock leaves a trail of precome on Brian’s neck. He rubs his stubble against the sensitive skin of Tommy’s thighs, of his nipples, over and over until Tommy has no idea if he’s trying to push into the sensation or away from it. 

Until nothing exists for Tommy but the way Brian is playing his body, without giving him a chance for release.

***

Until he can’t take it anymore and asks, begs, “Too much. _Please._ ”

He’s riding the edge and feeling like the smallest touch would be enough to make him come. 

With gentle fingers, Brian follows the line of Tommy’s jaw. “Look at me.”

It’s only then that Tommy realizes he’s closed his eyes. It’s an effort to open them again. 

“Let go, baby,” Brian says when Tommy finally focuses on him. “Give yourself to me.” Blunt nails on Tommy’s side, his stomach. “Let me see you, Tommy.” Fingers catch his nipple and tighten until he moans. “Pretty. Shameless. And all _mine_.”

***

The _mine_ hits Tommy just right. His mouth opens on a breathy sigh and his body goes lax on the bed. 

“That’s it, baby. Just like that.” Brian bites a string of kisses down Tommy’s neck. “You can come whenever you’re ready.”

He holds Tommy’s hips against the bed, hard enough to leave bruises as he bites Tommy’s neck, sucking the skin he caught between his teeth.

With the mix of pleasure and pain thrumming through Tommy’s veins and the knowledge that the bite is just as possessive as Brian’s _mine_ , Tommy comes as soon as Brian touches Tommy’s cock. 

***

Tommy comes down from his high when Brian makes him undo his grip on the mattress. He’s about to melt into the bed as Brian gently massages the cramps out of Tommy’s hands.

It would be too easy to let himself enjoy the thrill and this otherworldly feeling that Tommy can’t really explain, but he still has enough brain to say, “But you didn’t—”

Brian interrupts Tommy, “Don’t worry about me,” then shushes him with a finger over his lips. “I’m giving you a chance to catch your breath. If you think I’m done with you, boy, you’re wrong.”


	13. Letting Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** #090: Fair  
>  **Beta:** @leela_cat

As Tommy comes down from his orgasm, they spend long minutes sharing lazy kisses and enjoying the moment. He’s still half lost in that dreamlike state where his only focus is every point where his and Brian’s body connect. 

Long, sweet, soft touches of lips and tongue. A small pressure that will leave finger shaped bruises behind. And the hard, hot line of Brian’s dick against Tommy’s skin. 

No matter how much Tommy never wants this moment to end, he can’t help but think that it isn’t fair if everything is about him.

“Please, Bri. Let me help you come?”

***

He nearly cringes at how needy he sounds, but Brian’s warm smile reminds him that here and now, he can be. That it’s a good thing. 

“Roll over.”

Tommy obeys without thinking. Maybe it won’t always be this easy, but for now he can’t escape how right it feels. He doesn’t want to. 

He’s rewarded by a kiss on the side of his neck, a hint of teeth on the bite mark Brian left earlier. Tommy sucks in a breath. His cock is already hardening again. 

“You good, baby?”

Tommy smiles and let out a happy sigh. 

“I’m still floating.”

***

There’s no other word to describe it. His thoughts have gone blissfully silent. The edges of his mind feel softer, somehow. As if all his insecurities, every little thing that usually scares the shit out of him can’t get a grip on him anymore. 

Brian brushes the hair away from Tommy’s neck. “Good boy. Stay right where you are.”

It takes Tommy a minute to understand that Brian means mentally more than physically, and another to realize how good he is with that. He really doesn’t want them to be done yet and he’s clinging to this little, peaceful haven. 

***

“Ready for more?”

The promise Tommy can hear in Brian’s words sends shivers down his back. “Yes. I’m ready.”

Slowly, Brian follows the line of Tommy’s spine with his fingers. “Spread your ass cheeks for me.”

Tommy blushes as he follows Brian’s order. The shame he expects to feel at the act is nowhere in sight, but he’s painfully aware of how open it makes him to Brian’s gaze, to Brian’s fingers, to anything and everything Brian might choose to do to him. 

They agreed to take things slow, yet the ideas Tommy’s brain gives him are nowhere near that.

***

It’s strange, how easy it is for Tommy to hand Brian so much power over him when they’re in bed. He’s glad that he gets to mouth off as much as he wants in other moments. Being like this all the time wouldn’t be right for him, for either of them. Even though he understands this is just another side of him, it sometimes feels like it isn’t really him, not yet, not quite. He’s still trying to find his way through their relationship, and the whole thing is so new and different that finding his footing can be hard. 

***

“Don’t move.”

The reminder freezes Tommy into place. It shouldn’t be possible for him to get so hard that soon after his first orgasm, but here he is. 

A kiss on Tommy’s lower back is all the warning he gets before Brian is on him again, licking and sucking his way into Tommy’s ass. 

Tommy can’t help but try and spread himself wider as he does his best to relax his muscles until Brian can lick deep inside, driving Tommy a little more out of his mind with every touch of his tongue. 

Until it all feels like a tease. 

***

As awesome as it feels, there’s no way Tommy can come only from this. He’s flat on his stomach on the bed, his dick held captive under his body, without any way for him to get the friction he needs. 

Desire curls down in his spine every time Brian licks, sucks, and bites. Tiny, tiny bites that shock Tommy over and over and that only succeed in making him want more.

Until he’s about to reach his limit and words spill out without him having any control over them, a mix of Brian’s name and “fuck” and “more” and “please.”

***

Tommy expects, wants, _needs_ Brian’s fingers in his ass, making him ready for Brian’s cock. As amazing as everything else can be, there’s been no actual, cock-in-ass fucking since they started the whole power exchange thing, and Tommy misses it so much he can practically taste it. 

Instead, Brian makes Tommy loosen his grip on his ass and brings his hands at his sides, keeping them there. Seconds later, Brian rests on top of Tommy and uses his weight to keep Tommy flat on the bed, fitting his cock into the crack of Tommy’s ass. Only his hips are moving. 

***

It feels oddly sensual, but it’s nowhere near what Tommy needs. 

“More, dammit. _Please._ ” The plea comes out as an afterthought, nearly a whine. 

Brian chuckles in Tommy’s ear. “If you can come like this,” he rocks his hips, “just like this,” and again, the fucking tease, “before I do, go ahead. If you can’t,” Brian holds Tommy down against the bed, “you’re waiting until tonight.”

Tommy groans into the pillow. “Not fair.” He can barely put a sentence together. “Can’t. Not that fast.”

After a soft kiss on Tommy’s neck, Brian drops his voice to a whisper. “I know.” 

***

“Fucking tease,” Tommy bites out, feeling like he could scream in frustration. 

Brian’s laugh is low and wicked. “You’d better get used to it.” 

Brian thrusts again, making sure that he gets the friction he needs but Tommy can’t.

“Not. Fair.”

“Poor baby.”

Tommy has to hold in a whimper at the hint of mockery in Brian’s voice. He shouldn’t be enjoying it that much.

“Tell me the idea didn’t make you harder. If you can, without lying, maybe I’ll change my mind.”

Tommy can’t. He’s tempted to try but it would be a lie, and they both know it. 

***

“More, _please_ …”

“No.” Brian stops moving and lets his whole body cover Tommy. “We’re going at my pace. And right now, what I want is to come all over you. Just because you’re _mine_.”

The words hit Tommy just right and he falls, again, toward the abyss that seemed so very tempting earlier. He lets Brian’s weight push him down onto the bed and hides his face in the pillow. Brian’s words, the way he holds Tommy down, his refusal to allow Tommy to come, every little thing is a reminder that, here and now, nothing is under Tommy’s control. 

***

It’s fucking scary but it feels so right. As if the world went wide open in front of Tommy’s eyes, showing him this space where he can just be. 

His grip on reality slips from his fingers, and he lets Brian take him wherever he wants. 

Everything fades around Tommy. Everything but Brian’s hands on him, the slow rocking of Brian’s hips, Brian’s cock against his ass, and the words Brian whispers in his ear. Words like “pretty” and “perfect” and “mine”.

Time seems to slow down until nothing exists but this moment and them, together, and Tommy drifts away.


	14. Trouble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** #092: Shenanigans  
>  **Beta:** @MyPrivateAffair

“Be careful!”

Ashley’s warning surprises Tommy bad enough that he nearly drops his glass again. He barely manages to catch it before he spills whisky all over their bags. 

“Did you have to scare the shit out of me?” He asks as he puts his glass back on the table in front of them.

He considers himself lucky for the save, if only because the whole day’s been hell from the moment he woke up. Spilling booze over everyone’s stuff right before they head on stage is the last thing he needs. 

He relaxes a little before Brian nudges him.

***

“Are you trying to get into trouble?”

The question takes Tommy by surprise, enough that he can’t laugh it off as fast as he should. In part because, as Brian asks, Tommy realizes that he isn’t completely wrong. Maybe he’s asking for attention.

There’s been the argument over coffee this morning, an argument that ended with a firm, “Food first, Tommy Joe,” from Brian, and Tommy pouting his way through breakfast.

There’s been the mouthing off when he really shouldn’t have, to the point where Ashley got annoyed enough to hit him upside his head between two songs during soundcheck. 

***

Her, “Will you stop acting like an ass?” was enough to make him quiet down, but not enough to completely stop him. 

And now this, nearly getting everyone’s things soaked with booze because he wasn’t careful enough.

All of these things separately are very minor infractions. Put together, however, they add up to a lot. 

Tommy didn’t realize until now what he’s been doing, how he was pushing at boundaries all over the place. He’s not proud of it, in part because he knows Brian won’t let it go easily. Not now that he’s figured out what Tommy was doing.

***

Unless Brian hasn’t seen it yet, which is all Tommy can wish for. Otherwise, he really is in trouble. 

Of course, it’s useless to hope that Brian won’t manage to put two and two together, especially considering how hard it is to hide anything from him. 

He knows the exact moment when Brian figures it out. Tommy knows what each variant of smile represents, what every cock of the brow means. Brian's current smirk means he's been caught out.

He hopes that Brian won’t call him on it. They have to be on stage soon. There’s no time for it.

***

Of course, he isn’t that lucky. 

While the others file out of the dressing room, Brian grabs Tommy by the arm, loose enough that Tommy could get free if he really wanted, and backs him against the wall. 

“If you want something, ask for it. Pushing me will only end with me tanning your ass. Clear?”

“Yeah, I get it,” Tommy replies as fast as he can. They need to be on stage, like, _now_.

“Don’t worry. You know as well as I do that Adam isn’t ready to go on yet. We have at least a couple of minutes.”

***

It’s isn’t enough to chase the tension out of Tommy. “Are we done?”

“Depends on you.” Brian shrugs, stepping closer and resting his hands on the wall on either side of Tommy’s head, caging him in. “Is there anything you want to say? Or were you just acting like a brat all fucking day long for no good reason?”

Tommy should know better. He’s aware that Brian’s baiting him, trying to force a reaction out of him. 

He’s also aware that saying nothing will make the whole thing a lot worse. “What I want is your dick in my ass.”

***

He pauses, aware that he might regret this, in the best possible way. “It’s been way too fucking long. I’m tired of waiting.”

Brian’s pleased smile warms Tommy all over. “See? Not that hard, was it?”

Before Tommy can reply, Ashley’s voice carries through from the corridor. “Guys, if you’re not out of there in two minutes, we’re coming to get you!”

They both laugh. It’s her way to make sure no techs or innocent souls find them in a situation that would be awkward for everyone involved. As annoying as it can be, Tommy’s glad she has their backs. 

***

Tommy’s starting to breathe freely again, both relieved and a little annoyed that he could get out of trouble that easily. 

Right before they step on stage, though, Brian puts a hand on his shoulder and whispers, “Keep up the shenanigans if you want to. Enjoy them while you can.”

Brian’s words sound like a promise and a threat. 

Tommy can’t help but ask, “You don’t care?”

Brian tightens his grip on Tommy’s shoulder. “I _do_ care.” 

Just like that, Tommy knows he’ll pay for this later. The idea is enough to make his stomach clench and his cock harden. 

***

“But it doesn’t worry me,” Brian adds. “After all, we both know whose bed you’ll be tied to in a couple of hours.”

Tommy’s glare turns murderous. Now he has little chance to tame his erection before they step on stage and he knows Brian did it on purpose.

“Enjoy the show, baby,” Brian practically purrs in Tommy’s ear before walking away. 

Gritting his teeth, Tommy closes his fists, nails digging crescents into his palms as he gets himself under control. “Fuck you.”

Since all that gets him is an amused smile, he takes Brian’s challenge for what it is. 

***

Through the show, he flirts and teases as much as he can, pushing and pushing and _pushing_. He enjoys the high of music and lets it carry him until he doesn’t even care what the consequences will be.

When they come back on stage for Trespassing, the slap on his ass takes him by surprise, but the reason why he shoves Brian and flips him off is the sentence Brian says at the same time, making it impossible for Tommy to focus on anything but Brian’s words. 

_By the time I’m done with you tonight, boy, you’ll be coming dry._


	15. Burning From the Inside Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** #094: Fire  
>  **Beta:** @aislinntlc

On the night after the Orlando show, Brian keeps his promise. By the time he relents, Tommy’s a crying, begging mess. His cock hurts from too many orgasms and too much stimulation. His whole body feels on fire, like little flames are traveling through his veins along with his blood. 

The almost brutal way Brian fucks him afterward has him screaming Brian’s name as his last orgasm is torn out of him in a full body shudder, leaving him limp as a ragdoll on the bed. He’s so far gone that he barely hears Brian’s words of love and praise. 

*** 

It takes two or three days before Tommy realizes that whatever crawled up his ass still hasn’t left him in peace. That night gave him a little respite, but that’s it. The itch under his skin is still there, present and annoying. 

However, he doesn’t say a thing about it and he’s a lot more careful of the way he acts. The last thing he wants is to have to talk about something that he can’t even explain. He pays attention and makes sure he doesn’t step a toe out of line. 

That, in and of itself, should be suspicious.

*** 

For some reason, Brian lets him get away with it. Tommy has no fucking idea why, but he sure as hell isn’t going to ask. Not when he knows that asking would lead to a conversation he really isn’t ready to have. 

The good thing is that if people around him are surprised at how nice and unlike himself he’s acting, not one of them dares to call him on it the way they would if he was behaving like he did in Orlando.

Well, no one except for Adam “I don’t know how to mind my own businesses” Lambert.

*** 

They’re in San Diego, about to go on stage for the sound check when Adam asks, “Are you okay, Tommy?”

“Sure, I’m good.” Tommy’s reply comes out a little too fast, and Adam’s eyebrows go up nearly to his hair before his eyes zero in on Tommy. 

_Fuck_. Now Tommy will be lucky if he can escape without going through exactly the talk he was trying to avoid. 

After the sound check, he tries as hard as he can to get away before Adam corners him, but of course, it doesn’t work. Tommy’s left with no choice but to listen. 

*** 

“What’s wrong?”

Tommy considers all kinds of evasive answers, rejecting them one after the other. Adam knows him so well that trying to convince him nothing’s wrong is a waste of time. 

“Nothing that you can help with.” 

Adam frowns and sits on the drums platform. Once upon a time, Tommy would have sat beside him and curled into Adam’s side, breathing and just _being_ until he finally found the strength to put what’s hurting him into words. 

Today, though, he sticks his hands in his pockets to resist the impulse. He shouldn’t still want this from Adam. Not anymore. 

*** 

“Are you sure of that?”

It’s far too tempting to give in and try to explain. To put things into words until the mess in his mind makes sense. 

But he’s aware it isn’t Adam he needs to be talking to. 

“It’s better if you don’t try to help.” 

Tommy knows the exact moment when Adam gets it. His frown disappears and his expression softens as he lets out a very soft, “Oh.” 

Seconds tick into silence. Tommy wants to turn away and forget that Adam even said anything, but he can’t. Not with the way Adam’s looking at him. 

*** 

“You can still talk to me.”

Tommy sees the suspicion hidden behind Adam’s words, feels Adam’s hackles rising. He sighs when he realizes that he can’t avoid this conversation anymore. If he tries, it will make Adam believe that the situation is a lot worse than it actually is.

“Yeah, I could. We’re still friends.” There’s just enough conviction in Tommy’s voice to make the tension seep out of Adam’s shoulders as he answers Adam’s unspoken question. Adam believing that their friendship will disappear now that Tommy doesn’t need him as he once did is the last thing he wants. 

*** 

Or at least, he shouldn’t. He has no idea where the urge to ask for the comfort Adam is always willing to offer is coming from, but he hates it. He knows exactly what he would be asking for. And it would make everything he wants, everything he’s been building with Brian tumble down. 

So he stays right where he is, crosses his arms, and waits.

“What’s going on?”

Tommy shrugs. “Hell if I know.”

With anybody else, that kind of answer would cut things short. Not with Adam.

“It’s you or him?”

He bites his lip. “Me, I think.”

*** 

He’s expecting another question, something, anything, but all he gets is silence. Adam’s obviously waiting for him to get his shit together. He sighs.

“It’s like there’s something missing, but I have no idea what, or why.”

“Is that why you look like you want to run away from me?”

Tommy goes rigid, fingernails biting into the skin of his arm. He looks down at the floor. “If this was happening like, three years ago? I would have already crawled into your lap by now.” 

He hates that the temptation to do exactly that is still present in his mind. 

*** 

He’s feeling needy and clingy. And guilty on top of everything because it isn’t _Adam_ he should want this from. 

When he finds the courage to raise his head again, he sees Adam move as if he wants to touch him, then pull back at the last second. 

Tommy takes a step back. Three years ago, Adam would have tucked him against his side. Now, they’re both caught in this situation where they have no idea how to act. 

Adam rakes a hand through his hair. “You two really need to talk.” 

“There’s already too much fucking talking going on.”

*** 

The bitterness that Tommy can’t quite hide finds its way into his words.

Adam stares at him for a long time before he says, “If you’re trying to build the thing I think you are, talking is a necessity, not an option. It’s obvious that there’s something messing with your head and if you’re talking, well, I have a feeling it’s not about the right things.” 

He hates that Adam’s right. Instead of telling him that, though, he can’t help but say, “You and I never needed that much talking.”

Adam recoils as if Tommy slapped him in the face.

***

The silence lasts long enough that Tommy considers apologizing.

Before he can, though, Adam says, almost choking on the words, “I’m not proud of that.” 

It makes Tommy feel even worse as he realizes that, without meaning to, he hit on a very sore point. He looks down at the ground again. 

“If I’d done things correctly, we would have.” Adam’s voice is so low that Tommy has to strain to hear him. 

Even though he knows he might not like the answer, he asks, “Why didn’t we?”

“I’m not proud of it, but… because there was Liz, and Sauli.”

*** 

Tommy stares at Adam accusingly, feeling betrayed in the worst way. “Don’t do this, Adam. Don’t do this to us now.”

“You’re the one who asked.” Adam looks down at his hands. “It was three years ago, Tommy. It doesn’t mean a thing to what’s going on now. You’re one of my best friends. I don’t wish for more. I know you don’t really want it, either.” 

Adam’s right. Tommy can’t deny it. What he wants, what he needs is something he can’t put into words because everything in his head feels messy and wrong and completely out of place.

*** 

And, because Adam was always there and willing and never asking him any questions, it’s tempting to try and get that back. Even though Tommy’s aware that the only reason why it seems like it would be easy and uncomplicated is because he’s forgotten all the messy parts. Three years ago, he and Adam were acting mostly out of instinct, but it doesn’t mean things were perfect. Far from it, actually, Tommy has to admit if he’s honest with himself. 

“If you forget the would have, could have… you know I’m right. We never really needed to talk that much.”

*** 

Adam’s smile doesn’t quite make it to his eyes. “Because we started this while we were living on top of each other, in a tin can of a bus. Because you were drowning in your grief and my only focus was how the fuck I was going to keep you on your feet. Because by the time anything happened, I’d had months to learn to call you out on your bullshit when necessary.”

Tommy tries to say something, but Adam shakes his head.

“The situation is completely different, Tommy. Trying to compare isn’t fair to any of us, including you.”

*** 

“But saying things out loud will make them real.” The sentence escapes before Tommy can stop it. He bites his lip and tries his hardest to keep everything else inside. He’s already embarrassed enough as it is.

Adam blinks at him in surprise. “You don’t want it to be real?”

Tommy can’t say anything. That is so not what he meant. Thing is, the sex is awesome – like, Tommy seriously wonders why the fuck he never tried some of it before – and the rules, the routine, the expectations are a lot easier to get used to than he was expecting. 

*** 

They make him feel safe and grounded in a way he had no idea was possible. 

But he can’t bring himself to bare his heart, to share his fears and his vulnerabilities. 

When he finally speaks, it’s barely above a whisper. “Of course I want it to be real.”

“Then what’s the problem?” 

For a second Tommy wishes Adam would let it go. He knows he only has to ask. But maybe he needs to say it aloud. 

“It feels like I’m about to fall and there’s no one to catch me.” 

Adam stares at him then shakes his head.

*** 

“You know it’s not me you should be saying this to.”

Tommy shrugs. “You’re the one who asked.”

“Don’t do this, Tommy.” Adam sighs. “You and I have known each other for a couple of years. That’s why I understand you so well. But he can’t get there unless you let him.”

Adam’s right, even though Tommy wants to deny it. “So what the fuck do I do now?”

“You talk to him, for real this time.”

Tommy hates that Adam always figures him out so easily, but it’s the truth. He’s been making excuses, finding ways to avoid talking.

*** 

There are things he still doesn’t want to look at too closely, but he has a feeling he won’t have a choice. Not if he wants to stop feeling like the fire between him and Brian will consume him until there’s nothing left. 

At least, he’s pretty sure this isn’t entirely his fault. While it’s true that he’s been carefully avoiding some things, it’s also true that Brian’s been letting him. Tommy has a feeling they both have a lot to own up to. 

“I’ll talk to him.”

Adam beams and Tommy sighs. If only relationships weren’t always that complicated.


	16. Opening His Eyes Underwater

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** #095: Water  
>  **Beta:** @leela_cat

The conversation with Adam stays on Tommy’s mind for the rest of the night. He knows he’ll have a hard time holding himself to his words, but if he wants things to work with Brian, he has to. 

He waits for two more days, until they’re back home and comfortable and it’s just the two of them again. 

Every time he tries to say anything, the words seem to stick in his throat, until the very end of the evening. 

They’re relaxing on the couch with soft music playing in the background when Brian asks, “Are you ready for bed?”

***

It’s voiced like a question. 

When they spend the night together, it’s one of the ways they found to work around Tommy’s insomnia and his night bird’s habits. Unless Brian has plans, in which case delaying bedtime isn’t an option. Otherwise, if Tommy knows he won’t be able to fall asleep yet, he can say so. 

“I’m not sleepy.”

Brian gentle fingers under Tommy’s chin make him tilt his head. “I want you in bed by one.”

Checking his phone, Tommy realizes that leaves him a little less than an hour to try and relax. It’s more than enough time.

***

“Yes, Brian. I will be.”

The hint of formality has Brian arching an eyebrow at him in surprise but he doesn’t comment. Tommy’s glad for it, and at the same time, it reminds him, once again, that they really need to talk. 

So when Brian gently pushes him away to head to bed, Tommy takes a deep breath and says, “Wait. Can we talk?”

Brian stops mid-move and rests his arm over the back of the couch, turning to face Tommy. “Sure.”

Since Tommy has no idea how to start, he goes with, “You don’t look surprised.”

“Because I’m not.”

***

Brian shrugs. “I was wondering what was taking you so long after the soundcheck in San Diego, so I went back and saw you talking with Adam. I wasn’t expecting this, but I’m not surprised, either.”

Tommy releases a breath he had no idea he was holding. “So you already know.”

Brian shakes his head, looking a little hurt. “I said I saw you. I didn’t stay to listen. It was none of my business unless you decided it should be.”

Tommy crosses his arms, curling in on himself. “Wasn’t it tempting? With everything going on between Adam and me…”

***

“If you’re looking for a fight, you won’t get one.” Brian sighs. “No, it wasn’t tempting. You know what I’d have a problem with and why. I’m not going to tell you who you can be friends with, or how.” 

Tommy doesn’t answer. He doesn’t want a fight, not really, but the only other option is to try and make sense of the mess in his head and put it into words. He has no idea if he’s ready for that. 

“Are you going to tell me what you two talked about for it to fuck with you like that?”

***

The little space between them feels too wide. Without leaving himself time to think, Tommy inches nearer and fits himself to Brian’s side, tangling their legs together. He starts breathing freely again when Brian pulls him closer with an arm against his lower back. 

“It has nothing to do with that. My head was already a mess before I talked to him.” Tommy offers a shaky smile. “He said that it’s not him I should be talking to. And he was right.”

“He’s good at pulling people’s heads out of their asses,” Brian agrees. Then he falls silent and waits. 

***

When it becomes obvious that Tommy won’t say a thing without a little encouragement, Brian says, “Take all the time you need, Tommy. But I can’t understand what’s going on in here,” he presses a finger to Tommy’s forehead, “unless you tell me.”

“I’m not even sure it makes sense.”

“Just say it the way it comes to you.”

Realizing that he’s just making up excuses and trying to delay the damn conversation, Tommy sighs. 

“It’s just…” He bites his lips as he tries to find the right words. “The rules, the expectations, everything…”

“Is it too much for you?”

***

Tommy shakes his head, fast. If that was the problem, it would be so much easier to explain. 

How can he say that it might be the other way around? That even though it scares him shitless, the tighter Brian’s hold on him gets, the safer and more comfortable it feels. 

And even that wouldn’t even begin to cover the reasons why Tommy feels like the ground is slipping from under his feet. 

“It’s isn’t,” he finally says. “But it’s a lot to take in. Some things are crystal clear but others… It’s like trying to open my eyes underwater.”

***

“Why is that?”

Tommy tenses. Having to put everything into words is so fucking hard. But he knows that if wants them to understand each other, he doesn’t have a choice. 

Yet finding the right words seems impossible. He says it the same way he did with Adam. “It feels like I’m falling, and there’s no one to catch me.” Once he’s started, the dam breaks and there’s no holding back the words anymore. “Like… It scares me how much I need you sometimes. And then I think that I’m not good enough for you, that I can never be.”

***

Tommy stares at his hands. There are things he can never figure out until he puts them into words, but once he has, what he just said seems to cling to the air around him, to his skin, tighter and tighter until he can’t breathe. 

“Look at me, Tommy Joe.” There’s a hard edge to Brian’s words, just enough to turn them into a command. 

Yet Tommy has to make an effort to raise his head again. 

Brian waits until Tommy’s full attention is on him. “Okay. First thing, I want you, not anybody else. You have to remember that.”

***

“But I’m not…” Tommy waves a hand around as he tries and fails to say what he means. “I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.” 

“Then let me help you along the way.” Brian trails gentle fingers down the side of Tommy’s face. “I know you’re new at everything. It doesn’t matter to me. I fell for you before I even had a hint that this was a possibility. I won’t lie and say I’m unhappy that things turned out this way, but it was never the reason I wanted this to be more than just a tour thing.”

***

Tommy smiles, the knot in his chest easing by the tiniest fraction. But the damn feeling of unease hasn’t gone away. “I still don’t know if I can be good enough.” 

“You mean for me?” Brian asks, waiting until Tommy nods before he continues, “Yes, it’s not even a question.” He shakes his head at Tommy’s dubious look. “I’m not clueless, baby. No matter how much I want things to work between us, if we started this and there’d been no hope of each of us being what the other needs, I wouldn’t have pursued it. Do you believe me?”

***

“Yeah. I believe you.” 

Brian’s smile warms Tommy all over. He presses closer, resting his head on Brian’s chest and letting himself drift in the caresses of Brian’s hands. 

It feels like he could stay here forever, mellow and content. Like he could fall asleep, here and now, without any effort. 

Instead, Brian asks, “There’s something else bugging you, isn’t there?”

Tommy nearly wishes Brian would let it go. But he’s aware that they need to go through this, and he doesn’t know if he’ll find the strength to ask again. So he says, “Yeah. You’re right.”

“What is it?”

***

“You know when you cornered me the other night? In Orlando?”

Brian nods. “What about it?”

“We didn’t have much time, so I took the easy way out when you asked what was wrong.” Tommy pulls back so he can look Brian in the eyes. “It wasn’t the first time I did that. And you let me. Each and every single time.” He tries not to make it sound like an accusation but from the look on Brian’s face, he doubts he’s being successful. 

“Easing you into things seemed like the right way to go. Apparently I was wrong, though.”

***

“Not wrong, but…” Tommy sighs. If only things could be easier to explain. “There’s taking it easy, and then there’s giving me too much leeway.” 

“And it’s easy to see what you think I’ve been doing.” Brian presses a finger to Tommy’s lips before he can interrupt. “You’re right. I thought I was doing the right thing and instead I messed up. I’m sorry.”

The sincere apology leaves Tommy speechless, making him forget everything he meant to say. 

“That’s what you meant earlier, right? When you said that it feels like you’re falling and there’s no one to catch you?”

***

Tommy has to think about it before he says, “Part of it is just me and my stupid insecurities, but… yeah. I have a feeling that it could be as easy as making music together, but it’s not and I have no fucking idea why.”

“Because we haven’t let it,” Brian says, so soft Tommy has to strain to hear him. “Because I was still holding back and that left you without any hope of finding your footing.”

“But it could be.” That’s the only thing that matters. 

“It could be. As long as we’re willing to let it happen.”

***

Silence surrounds them, comfortable and full of hope.

“So what do we do now?” Tommy asks.

“We have two weeks before the next show. That’s more than enough time for me to help you find your ground. We’ll still be taking things one at a time, but no more holding back. From you, or me. Sound good?”

Tommy lets Brian pull him closer. “Yeah. It sounds great.” 

Knowing that until now, Brian was holding back makes Tommy’s mouth go dry. But the feeling that they’re in this together is exactly what he needed to quiet the mess of his thoughts.


	17. Finding His Ground

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** #096: Earth  
>  **Beta:** @aislinntlc

The hint of a sunray on Tommy’s nose has him pulling the comforter over his head. It’s far too fucking early to be awake, even though the sunlight flooding Brian’s room is doing its best to convince him of the opposite. 

“I’m guessing you’re awake already?” Brian’s voice is muffled by the comforter and Tommy can’t see his face, but he’d bet anything that Brian’s laughing at him. 

Tommy brings down the bedcover just long enough to glare. “I wouldn’t be if it wasn’t for your sorry excuse for a curtain.”

Brian doesn’t even try to hold in his laughter.

***

Tommy’s glare turns murderous as he disappears under the covers again, turning his back to Brian and mumbling about how his own room at least has real curtains, not some flimsy shit. 

Still laughing, Brian fits his chest to Tommy’s back. “Maybe, but your place comes along with roommates. You know exactly why it’s not such a great idea to spend the night there now.”

Tommy pouts. Yes, he doesn’t need an explanation, but that doesn’t make him any less grumpy about being woken up this early. 

“Enough. Since you’re awake, stop pouting and come help me fix some breakfast.”

***

Tommy isn’t a fan of food in the morning. He still pulls the comforter down enough to show his face again as he asks, hopeful, “Coffee?”

Brian chuckles. “Yes, coffee too. Come on, boy, get your ass out of bed.”

It’s the slap to his ass that finally gets Tommy moving. He hunts around the room for his clothes, fucking finally gets his hands on his boxers but his shirt is nowhere in sight. 

Grumbling, Tommy’s ready to start searching again. 

“Leave the shirt.” 

That gets his attention. He follows Brian to the kitchen, hyperaware of his state of undress.

***

Minutes later, the coffee’s dripping and Tommy’s salivating at the smell. Instead of starting on breakfast, though, Brian steers Tommy to the living room with a hand on the small of his back, sits on the couch and turns Tommy over his knee. 

“What’s this for?”

Brian keeps Tommy in place with a firm hand on the back of his neck and an arm on his lower back. 

“This is for being a little shit all morning. I’ve had more than enough of your attitude.”

Tommy risks a glance at Brian. It only tells him that Brian’s very fucking serious.

***

“I didn’t mean to—”

“Yes, you did, Tommy Joe,” Brian interrupts him. “We both know you did.”

Tommy can’t really deny that Brian’s right, but he opens his mouth to argue anyway. 

“And I’m adding one stroke to your count every time you try to talk your way out of this.” 

Brian arches an eyebrow, obviously waiting. Tommy doesn’t add a word. 

“Wise choice.” Brian trails a hand from Tommy’s back to his ass, making him shiver. “So we’re up to sixteen. Count them out, boy.”

Even though Tommy knows he shouldn’t, he can’t help but say, “You’re mean.”

***

Brian chuckles. “No. If I wanted to be mean, I’d tell you that every time you lose your count, we’re starting over.” 

Tommy’s whole body goes rigid.

“But I won’t. Not this time.” Slowly, Brian pulls Tommy’s boxers down to his knees. “And that brings us to seventeen. Anything else you want to say?”

Shaking his head, Tommy makes the gesture of zipping his lips. 

The first slap hurts a lot more than he expected. So much, in fact, that Brian has to remind him, “I said, count them out.”

“One,” Tommy says through gritted teeth, with “two” close behind.

***

This is nothing like the playful spankings they’ve experimented with. Brian is barely holding back his strength, and without the added bonus of a good warm-up, every single hit hurts like a motherfucker. 

Tommy tries to hold on, but by the time they reach the halfway point, the fight goes out of him and he goes lax over Brian’s knee. “Eight” is just above a whisper. 

“Nine” needs a reminder of, “Count them out, Tommy,” and one more hit before Tommy finally says it. 

“Ten” knocks the breath out of Tommy. He closes his eyes to hold in his tears. 

***

“Eleven-twelve-thirteen” follow each other so closely that there’s barely a break between them. 

Tommy’s voice breaks on “fourteen.” 

“Fifteen” comes out with a full-body sob. 

At “sixteen,” tears run down his face. 

“Seventeen” is a desperate cry as the last hit turns him into a wrecked mess, sobbing in pain and embarrassment at the knowledge that he brought this on himself. 

Without a word, Brian pushes himself back on the couch and gathers Tommy in his arms, cradling him into his lap, rubbing slow circles over Tommy’s back. 

When he finally gets himself back under control, Tommy whispers, “I’m sorry.”

***

“No need to be.” Brian presses a soft kiss against Tommy’s hair. “But there’s a limit to the amount of mouthing off I’m willing to take from you. You know that.”

“Don’t expect too much out of me when I haven’t had coffee,” Tommy teases. His ass hurts like hell, and he knows he’ll be warm for hours. Yet he’s already smiling a little. 

With a laugh, Brian pulls him closer. “How are you feeling?”

Tommy has to really think about it before he says, “I’m good. Like, looser in my skin, feeling lighter. Fuck if I know why, though.”

***

There’s another soft kiss on his head. “Sometimes there’s a world between what you want and what you need. You have to trust me to know the difference.” Brian shrugs. “Of course, that doesn’t mean I’ll always get it right, but I’m trying.” 

Tommy nods. There’s still a part of him rebelling at the idea of needing this, any of it, but he can’t deny how rooted to the earth he feels, like he’s standing stronger on his own two feet because of it. “I think you were right, this time.”

“Glad to know it,” Brian says, low and pleased.

***

They stay like this for a couple more minutes, just breathing and _being_ , until Brian asks, “Ready for breakfast? Coffee should still be good, too.”

Tommy makes a face at that. Fresh coffee is hard to beat, and after this plus the time it will take them to make breakfast, the coffee will be at the point where it doesn’t even feel tempting. And considering how easy it would be to make a fresh pot, no way is Brian going to bend the damn _food first_ rule just so Tommy can enjoy his first morning coffee sooner.

“Yeah, I’m good.”

***

Yet, beyond a longing look at the cooling pot of coffee, Tommy doesn’t even ask. He’s perfectly aware that he’ll be getting his coffee – _fresh_ coffee – as soon as he’s eaten something and he can wait. More than that, he wants to wait, wants to be good. It’s as if the constant reminder of his very sore ass is enough to make things easier, to put all the pieces in the right place in his mind without any effort on his part. He’s well aware that he won’t get his way, and for once, he doesn’t even need to try. 

***

By the time they make their way back to the living room with food and coffee, Tommy’s stomach is rumbling with hunger. He has to admit there is a good side to not being allowed coffee before food: it’s impossible for him to forget he’s hungry because he already feels full from the coffee. 

One look at the way Brian has set up things makes him frown. From his spot on the couch, he can’t even reach his plate.

“You know, eating would be a lot easier if I…” He trails off as Brian presses a strawberry against his lips. 

***

Tommy lets out a very soft, “oh,” before taking a bite. Flavor bursts on his tongue and he can’t resist licking the juice off of Brian’s fingers. 

“You were saying?” Brian asks with a teasing smile as he grabs a piece of melon for himself, before bringing another to Tommy’s mouth. 

Brian keeps feeding them both, alternating between himself and Tommy. Slowly, Tommy realizes that this isn’t a prelude to anything else. It doesn’t need to be. It’s just another way for them to be together, another way for Brian to take care of him. He’s strangely okay with that. 

***

That night, the long, hot shower feels like heaven. It’s the hardest thing in the world to stay immobile and silent, his fingers holding onto the bar like his life depends on it. 

Waiting while Brian thoroughly washes him, avoiding his dick and pushing soapy fingers into his ass, is pure torture and leaves Tommy hard as a rock once they’re done.

After drying them both, Brian gives him a gentle kiss. “Wait for me in the bedroom.”

When he gets to Brian’s room, Tommy hesitates briefly about how and where he should be, but his uncertainty doesn’t last long.

***

He’s so far gone that it’s the most natural thing in the world to drop to his knees beside the bed. 

He feels Brian’s presence behind him long before he hears his voice. 

“Gorgeous.” The praise makes Tommy blush. 

Seconds later, Brian is circling him. Brian’s foot on the inside of his knees makes him spread his legs a little wider, then he feels Brian’s hand on the back of his neck. Without thinking, he follows the pressure, bowing his head. “Keep your eyes on the ground.”

The pressure on his head turns into a gentle caress in his hair.

***

“When you’re here waiting for me, unless I tell you otherwise, this is how I want you. Understood?”

“Yes, Brian.”

Rituals, each and every single one of them, all designed to keep his feet firmly on the ground. Constant reminders of what they are to each other. 

Every step forward grounds Tommy a little more, giving him exactly what he needs; something like a living wire between them, making them hyperaware of the other, every moment of every day. 

It’s clear that his fears, his insecurities won’t disappear that easily. However, Tommy knows that he isn’t far from the truth.

***

This, between them, could be as easy as making music together. 

Maybe they need to take things slow, but he thinks they will be a lot closer to what this could be by the time they meet up with Adam and the rest of the band again. 

He’s also very aware that, whenever the path in front of him gets blurry, he’ll never have to find the right way on his own. Brian will be there to help him.

So that, even in the madness of touring, Tommy will always have the safe haven only Brian can create for him.


	18. Giving in to Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** #098: Lay Me Down  
>  **Beta:** @leela_cat

Brian feeding Tommy his breakfast quickly becomes a pattern. It isn’t always a possibility, but whenever they have the time and it’s just the two of them, it’s the perfect way to start the day. It also does wonders for Tommy’s mood, leaving him steady on his feet instead of feeling like a zombie every single time he has to be up before midday. 

Tommy knows that this moment, before the day really starts, is the best time for any kind of talk. It can be as simple as figuring out what’s next for the song they’re currently working on. 

***

Or as complicated as the serious conversations that Tommy would feel most comfortable having when the rest of the world is already sleeping. However, he’s finally admitted that a, trying to have that kind of discussion when Brian is about to fall asleep isn’t the best idea, and b, maybe that was just another way for Tommy to try and avoid certain topics. 

This morning, once they’re done eating and Tommy has a cup of blissfully hot coffee in his hands and some caffeine in his body, he takes a deep breath. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure. Go ahead.” 

***

In a second, all of Brian’s attention is on him. Tommy takes another sip of coffee.

“The other morning, when you… when…”

He trails off because he has no idea how to say this. Brian nudges Tommy’s shoulder with his finger. 

“Use your words, Tommy. If you can do it, you can talk about it.”

Tommy frowns. The blushing virgin routine he keeps going through is ridiculous, but it isn’t the sex he has trouble talking about. It’s all the messy emotions related to it that won’t come out.

He says it as simply as possible. “When you spanked me.” 

***

Brian rests his elbow on the table, his chin in his palm. “What about it?”

Forcing himself to look Brian in the eyes, Tommy puts his cup on the table. “My attitude was an excuse, right?”

Brian looks away, like it’s his turn to be at a loss for words. Then he says, carefully, “In part. Your attitude was the tip of the iceberg, letting me know I needed to do something to put you back on your feet, hard and fast. But it wasn’t the whole truth.” He smiles. “I wasn’t expecting you to call me out on it.”

***

But Brian doesn’t seem annoyed, even less angry. Surprised, maybe. And a little like he’s proud of Tommy for figuring it out and saying something.

Tommy shrugs. “I’ve been doing some thinking. And talking, too.” He doesn’t need to say with whom. He knows Brian will understand that he means the new friends he’s made, thanks to Brian. And to Adam, and even Sutan, who was only too happy to help, and whose knowing smirk left Tommy wondering how many people had figured out what was going on between him and Adam long before he, himself, was aware of it. 

***

“Why?” Tommy asks after a few seconds of silence. “Why did you lie to me?”

From the look on Brian’s face, Tommy knows his words cut deep enough to hurt. “It wasn’t a lie.”

“But it sure as hell wasn’t the whole truth, either.”

Brian sighs. He pushes his chair closer to Tommy’s, facing him. “Here’s the thing. If I’d told you that I was doing it because I thought you needed it, how would you have reacted?”

Tommy has to think about it before he admits, “I don’t know.”

“I didn’t, either. So I did the best I could.”

***

“I get that.” It’s impossible for Tommy not to understand, not when they’re both still trying to find their way to each other. “But if we want this to work, I need to hear the truth, not excuses, especially in moments like that.”

“You’re right,” Brian admits. “But you also have to trust me to take care of you and see to your needs.”

Tommy’s throat tightens up. “I already do.” 

“I know.” Gently, Brian takes Tommy’s hand in his. “That also means obeying the rules we’ve set together, facing the consequences when you don’t.”

“I get that,” Tommy says.

***

“And not second-guessing me when I think that, say, what you need is me turning you over my knee first thing in the morning to get your head on straight.”

Tommy’s left speechless. While Brian didn’t make it sound like an accusation, his words still hit far too close to home. That might be why Tommy tries to argue. “I thought you said you didn’t mind.”

Brian shakes his head. “You’re mixing up things that don’t go together. What I said was that if I wanted someone who’d go ‘yes, sir’ to everything I said, I wouldn’t be with you.”

***

“That was the truth, right?”

Brian nods. “Yes. That hasn’t changed.”

“Then what is it?”

“Do you really need me to spell it out?”

Tommy nods. There are things he can’t understand on his own.

“There’s a difference between you being your little mouthy brat self and you second-guessing me every step of the way. The way you push at boundaries isn’t a problem. But if I have to question myself every time I tell you to do something or every time I make a move like that because I’m not sure if you’ll obey me, we won’t get anywhere.”

***

Tommy looks down at the floor, feeling guilty.

Brian’s fingers under his chin make him raise his head and face Brian again. “I know I can’t expect you to trust me if I lie to you. I want nothing more than to tell you the truth. For that to happen, in the areas where we’ve agreed that you leave things up to me, you have to do just that.”

There’s a long silence before Tommy finally whispers, “It still scares me.”

He nearly wishes Brian would let it go. There are things that Tommy doesn’t want to examine too closely.

***

Of course, Brian doesn’t let him get away with it. “Who is it that you’re fighting, Tommy? Me? Or yourself?”

“I don’t know.” He’s trying his hardest not to melt into the gentle touch of Brian’s hand on his neck as he realizes what he was doing. He has to force the next words out. “A little bit of both, maybe.” 

“Come here.” Without another word, Brian pulls Tommy by the hand to the living room and sits with Tommy curled in his lap, clinging to him. 

Brian traces circles on Tommy’s back until Tommy’s breathing is slow and even.

***

“I don’t want you to think that you can’t talk to me, or tell me if something isn’t working. I want you to feel good and safe.” Everything in Brian’s expression says that he means every single word. “I want to know that when you’re there, kneeling at my feet, it’s because you want it. Because you trust me to take care of you, in whatever way we’ve decided.”

The image suggested by Brian’s words makes Tommy shiver. He wants, needs to submit to Brian so badly, in so many ways, that it’s part of what makes it so scary. 

***

“I get what you’re saying. I want it, too. I just…” Tommy hesitates before he says, “I don’t remember this ever being so hard.”

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, Tommy wonders if he made a mistake. He knows that comparing isn’t fair to any of them, but since Adam is the only experience he has with this, sometimes he can’t help it.

Brian doesn’t seem to mind. “From what you’ve told me, this thing between you started when you needed it so badly that you didn’t question it. But us? It’s a choice we made.”

***

Brian shrugs. “That might make it harder.”

“Maybe.” 

Tommy rests his head against Brian’s chest. 

Brian’s breath is a puff of air against Tommy’s hair. “If it’s yourself that you’re fighting, I’ll be happy to help you through it. But you have to let me.”

Tommy raises his head to look at Brian. “I want to. But you have to tell me the truth. I can handle it.” He bites his lips, finds all the courage he has, says, “I deserve the truth.”

“Yes, you do.” There’s nothing but pride in Brian’s smile. It makes Tommy feel warm all over.

***

The fact that Brian agrees without acting like it depends on Tommy’s attitude makes Tommy more determined to do this right, to be good. He wants this so very, very badly. It’s like he’s trying to sabotage it himself before it can explode in his face, as he’s done with a lot of other good things in his life. Like he doesn’t really believe that he deserves someone who makes him feel this good about himself. 

And he has to admit that the first thing in the morning spanking the other day left his feet a lot steadier on the ground.

***

Because even though he didn’t know that at the time, it was still exactly what he needed. Just the little push he needed to put all the pieces together, to make him feel whole and safe. 

There’s no question he wants that feeling again. 

So he promises, if only to himself, to give this a real try. One that might go beyond what he sees as his comfort zone. He’s starting to understand that there’s a difference between pushing boundaries of his own free will, as they’ve been doing, and being taken somewhere that will leave him raw and damaged.

***

He knows, without even asking, that the second option never was and never will be Brian’s intention. And that, if they step into that territory, they’ll both be getting out of it as fast as they can. 

Tommy doesn’t even have to try to believe that Brian would never take him anywhere he doesn’t want or doesn’t need to be. 

That knowledge makes it easy for him to ask, softly, “We’re good?”

There’s a gentle kiss against his forehead. “Yeah, we’re good. But we both have to make an effort.”

“I know.”

His lips meet Brian’s in a tender kiss. 

***

With a hand on Tommy’s hip, Brian guides Tommy until he’s straddling Brian’s lap as their kisses heat up, as they lick and suck into each other’s mouths. 

Brian moves his hand to the small of Tommy’s back, forcing him to thrust his hips forward. 

Tommy’s, “oh, _fuck_ ” is a desperate noise of pleasure-pain. Early in the morning, before the day starts, or late in the evening, when they’re kicking back and relaxing, the only piece of clothing Tommy’s allowed is underwear. So there’s just a thin barrier of cotton between Tommy’s dick and the rough denim of Brian’s jeans.

***

Another shallow, tiny thrust and Tommy’s hard as a rock. He has to restrain himself not to rock against Brian’s thigh. 

Brian eases Tommy’s briefs down just enough to free his dick and stroke him, one, two, three times. Tommy has the hardest time not thrusting into Brian’s touch.

“Fuck, Brian, _please_.”

“Please what?” Brian trails his blunt nails over Tommy’s dick, gives him the smallest hint of pressure on the slit. “Do you want to come like this? Humping my thigh? Showing me what a pretty slut you can be for me?”

Tommy drops his head on Brian’s shoulder.

***

Brian’s words, combined with just the right mix of pain and pleasure, hits all the right spots. Tommy’s sound of pleasure turns into a sob when Brian pulls him forward again. The harsh rub of his sensitive dick against denim is pure torture.

“Oh, shit.” Once again, there’s the pressure of a blunt nail against his slit. “Please, Brian. Fuck…”

Instead of the permission Tommy’s waiting for, Brian circles the base of Tommy’s dick with his hand, and squeezes, hard, blowing away all of Tommy’s hopes for release.

“Not until tonight. I promise I’ll make it worth the wait.”

***

Still holding Tommy by the base of his dick, Brian twists his other hand in Tommy’s hair, making him raise his head, pulling another sobbing, “ _Please_ ,” out of him. Tommy’s world narrow to the grip Brian has on him and the way Brian’s staring at him. 

“Just you wait, boy. I’ll lay you down on my bed and I’ll lick my way into your ass for hours. I’ll keep you on the edge for so long that you’ll have no idea if you’re begging me to stop or to let you come.”

Tommy releases a breath in a full-body shudder. 

***

If it weren’t for the grip Brian has on him, Tommy feels like he could come just from the images that Brian’s painting. He wants it so badly. He can practically taste how good it’ll be. “ _Come on_.”

Looking Tommy in the eyes, Brian shakes his head. “No. If you want that, you’re waiting until tonight.”

Brian releases him. Tommy’s hands find Brian’s shoulders of their own volition. Through gritted teeth, he exhales a pained breath, but he doesn’t try to get any kind of friction. 

Even though it kills him now, he knows tonight will be worth the wait.


	19. Safe in His Hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** #099: Double Trouble  
>  **Beta:** @aislinntlc

With every new step they take, Tommy eases more of the grip he has on himself. Little by little, the outside world and its expectations fade to a background noise until even Tommy’s own fears aren’t enough to make him dig in his heels. 

His fears haven’t completely disappeared, but it’s like they don’t have a handle on him anymore. As if he can finally allow himself to rest in the safe space Brian’s creating for him.

Showing himself at his most vulnerable is still scary, but he’s slowly getting to the point where he wants nothing more than that. 

***

Tommy’s beginning to believe he can leave his whole being into Brian’s hands. He's ready to admit that he wants, needs what Brian’s giving him so badly that all he can do is give everything he has in return. 

He’s finally feeling safe enough that he can trust Brian with his everything, let Brian take him apart and put him back together, because he knows that Brian will never take him anywhere he can’t bring Tommy back from. 

Pieces fall into place in Tommy’s head until the path he has to follow to feel whole and safe is crystal clear.

***

One night, not so long before their last show, the dinner they share is light enough to let Tommy knows that Brian has plans. Once the dishes are clean and they’ve put everything away, Brian gives him a loving, tender kiss. “Go get changed, Tommy.”

And, because he’s made so much progress that it sounds right, that it _feels_ right, Tommy replies, “Yes, sir.”

Brian’s gaze darkens but he only says, again, “Go.”

As fast and efficient as he can be, Tommy walks to Brian’s room, strips down to his underwear, and leaves his clothes properly folded on Brian’s dresser. 

***

When he joins Brian in the living room, the lights have been turned down low. There’s soft music playing. Tommy’s usual spot on the couch, tucked into Brian’s side, has been cleared. 

Tonight, though, instead of settling on the couch, Tommy drops to his knees on the ground next to Brian. His hesitation lasts but a second before he adopts the position Brian taught him: legs spread, back and shoulders straight, gaze on the floor. 

Anticipation buzzes in the air around Tommy while seconds tick into silence. He holds his breath, nervousness coursing through his body until Brian finally reacts. 

***

“Such a pretty display for me.” Brian’s gentle fingers under his chin make him raise his head. 

Tommy’s whole face heats up under the scrutiny of Brian’s gaze, but he doesn’t dare look away. The air between them becomes heavy, full of what ifs and maybes about to become a reality. 

“I’m shaving you bare tonight.” 

The idea is as tempting as it is scary. It turns everything Tommy would have wanted to say into a gurgle of unrecognizable words. 

Tommy swallows hard, once, twice, until he has control over his voice again. Then he says, asks, begs, “ _Please_ , sir.” 

***

Brian moves his hand to Tommy’s cheek in a loving caress. “There’s my boy.” 

The words hit Tommy to his very core. He pushes into the soft touch, already having a hard time thinking enough to form words. “ _Yours_.”

Something dark washes over Brian’s face, but all it does is make Tommy want more. “Shower, baby.”

Minutes later, the bathroom is full of steam and Tommy’s sitting on the shower bench. The sight of the straight razor in Brian’s hands is enough to get another incomprehensible sound out of him. 

Brian trails gentle fingers on the side of Tommy’s jaw.

***

“Scared?”

“No. Just nervous.” Tommy lets everything show on his face, all the trust and the love and every little thing that he can’t quite put into words. _Yet_.

“I’ve got you.” There’s something behind the simple words, clear as day, that Tommy understands without even trying. Brian isn’t just talking about this moment. He means _everything_. 

“I know.” The light pressure of Brian’s hand on Tommy’s knee makes him spread his legs so Brian can step between them. 

“I know what I’m doing,” Brian reminds him. “As long as you stay immobile, there’s no risk of me hurting you.”

***

The reassurance is unnecessary, but with it comes a wave of warmth and safety that Tommy clings to.

“I trust you.” Tommy’s words hang heavily in the air between them. It isn’t the first time he’s said this, but it’s the first time he means it that deeply.

Brian gives him a warm smile in return. “Don’t move.”

A shiver climbs its way up Tommy’s back. “Yes, sir.”

“Take a deep breath, baby.”

Tommy does, a little bit of tension seeping out of him as Brian drags a warm, wet cloth over the sensitive skin around Tommy’s cock and balls. 

***

Another deep breath as Brian spreads the shaving foam over him and Tommy finds his center, his nervousness turning into an anticipation that burns bright in the air. 

His cock fills as Brian holds it out of his way. Tommy loses himself in the rhythmic strokes of the razor, in the assured movement of Brian’s hands on him. 

His breath catches in his throat when Brian shaves the hair around Tommy’s balls, the little hair on them. The sound that comes out of his throat is a whimpered, “please,” when Brian spreads Tommy’s ass and covers his skin with foam.

***

“Don’t you dare come yet, boy.” 

The warning makes Tommy’s dick pulse in Brian’s hand as he does his hardest to hold on. “Trying.”

“If you need help, say so.” 

Tommy barely manages a small nod. 

“I’m serious, baby. You’re gonna be in so much trouble if you shoot before I’m inside you.” It sounds like both a promise and a threat. Tommy’s breath quickens. 

“I’m good,” he promises. _For now_.

The strokes of the razor over the sensitive skin of his ass get a moan out of him. The process is intimate and scary and everything Tommy ever needed.

***

He lets out a relieved breath when Brian wipes him down.

“We’re not done yet, pretty boy.” With a smirk, Brian spreads his fingers through the hair on Tommy’s lower stomach. “I said bare. Remember?” 

“Oh, _fuck_.” A pearly drop of precome appears at the tip of Tommy’s dick. He can already feel the difference, the contrast between the cold air and the warmth of Brian’s fingers as he spreads oil over Tommy’s freshly shaved skin. Tommy doesn’t even want to think of how sensitive he’ll be once they’re done. 

“Just let me finish. Then we can head to bed.”

***

It sounds far too easy, too simple. But Tommy doesn’t question it. He’s long past the point of trying to figure it out. All that matters in this moment is what Brian expects of him. 

When Tommy settles again, Brian repeats the process on Tommy’s stomach, his chest, his arms, his legs. Shaving foam followed by steady, rhythmic strokes of the razor, slowly chipping away the last remains of Tommy’s protective walls. Until he’s left bare, at his most vulnerable, not even tempted to protect himself. 

“Good boy,” Brian whispers. “And now that we’re all done, I want to play.” 

***

Tommy’s heart goes rabbit-fast at the sight of Brian’s dark smile. His hole clenches, his balls draw up when Brian strokes his fingers up and down the cleft of Tommy’s ass. “Oh, shit. Gonna…” He lets out a sobbing breath. “ _Help_.”

Within seconds, there’s the tight, tight pressure of Brian’s hand around the base of Tommy’s dick. Tommy swears as he feels his release kept right out of his reach. He forces himself to breathe through it, once, twice. Then he can finally give a small nod of his head. 

“Better?” Brian asks.

Again, Tommy nods.

“Can you hold it?”

***

Now that he isn’t right on the edge, Tommy’s stubbornness and determination reappear. Through gritted teeth, he says, “Yes, sir.” He needs so badly to be good for Brian, to live up to Brian’s expectations. 

“Good boy. Let’s go.”

Tommy freezes in the bedroom’s doorway. The lights are on so low he has to blink a few times before he can see anything. He has no idea what Brian’s planning for him. 

“Get on the bed, baby.”

Tommy lies down, lust and anticipation and just a hint of fear going straight to his head, so fast it makes him dizzy. 

***

All of his nerve endings seem to come alive under the weight of Brian’s gaze. Tommy can’t look away, Brian’s eyes on him keeping him immobile better than bonds ever could. 

The light pressure of Brian’s hand on Tommy’s knee makes him spread his legs so Brian can settle between them. “Hands on the headboard.”

Tommy grabs onto the headboard. His skin gets covered in goose bumps when Brian trails his fingers over him. 

“I’m not tying you up this time. You’re going to hold very, very still for me. But…” There’s a strip of dark fabric in Brian’s hands.

***

Tommy’s mouth goes dry when he recognizes it for what it is. A blindfold. “Oh, _fuck_.”

“But,” Brian says again, “You won’t be able to see what I’m doing, or what I’m going to use on you.”

Tommy’s breath quickens. Every single one of Brian’s words seem to drive Tommy’s need higher, to give everything he has and find his release.

“Think about it, baby. How sensitive your skin is, freshly shaved. How you won’t be able to see what I’m about to do to you, maybe not even guess.”

Those two things paired together will make everything even better.

***

Or worse. Tommy can’t say. He doesn’t really care. All he knows is that he needs Brian to do something, anything, before the anticipation drives him crazy. Just the idea makes him painfully aware of his dick, hard and heavy, with no hope of release in sight. Not yet. 

Tommy waits and waits but Brian doesn’t move. Desperation tears a plea out of Tommy as he does his hardest not to arch into the light caress of Brian’s fingers on him. “Please. Fuck, Brian, _please_.”

“Raise your head.”

Tommy obeys, Brian’s voice the last tether still anchoring him into reality.

***

He’s surrounded in darkness as Brian ties the blindfold at the back of his head. 

“Not too tight?”

Tommy shakes his head. “I’m good.”

“Can you see anything?”

He tries, opening his eyes wide. “Nothing.” The light caress of fingertips at the junction between thigh and groin makes him shiver.

“Perfect. Hold still.” 

A tiny nod of Tommy’s head. He lets out a mewling whimper when Brian sucks a mark into the skin just above his cock.

He feels more than he hears the low rumble of Brian’s “ _mine_.” Tommy arches into the bright pain of Brian’s teeth, wanting more.

***

Needing more. His breath catches in his throat and he bites his lip, trying to keep all of his sounds inside as Brian’s slick fingers enter his ass. 

Seconds later, he feels fingers against his lips as well. Tommy sucks them greedily into his mouth, a perfect counterpoint to the pressure in his ass, to Brian filling him, stretching him. 

Slowly, Brian pulls his fingers from Tommy’s mouth. “Let me hear you, boy. Give me your words, your sounds.” A kiss on Tommy’s chest turns into another breathtaking bite, tearing a sobbing breath out of Tommy’s throat. “Give me everything.”

***

Tommy can’t stop the tiny, tiny rocking of his hips, a desperate attempt to get Brian’s fingers deeper. 

Brian’s dark chuckle makes Tommy blush. “Go ahead, baby. Fuck yourself on my fingers. Show me how much you want my cock.” 

Tommy pushes into the pressure, whining when it isn’t fast enough, deep enough. He thrusts his hips as much as he can without letting go of the headboard. 

“Just like that. Such a pretty little slut for me.” 

Just when Tommy thinks maybe he could come like that, just from Brian’s words and fucking himself on Brian’s fingers, Brian stops.

***

He pulls his fingers out and Tommy’s heartfelt, desperate “ _please_ , sir” has no results. 

“Not yet. I’m so far from being done with you, boy.” 

The reminder that here and now, nothing is under his control finally sends Tommy spiraling down, into a world where nothing exists but Brian’s touch and Brian’s voice. 

There’s pressure on his hole, bigger, wider than fingers, cold and unyielding. 

“Bear down.”

Tommy obeys, hissing at the sheer perfection of the burn, of too much too soon. 

“This way,” Brian murmurs once the plug is in place, “When I’m ready, I can slide right in.”

***

The promise makes Tommy moan. He’s slowly losing himself in the sensations. The tight grip he has on the headboard in order not to let go. The almost unbearable fullness in his ass. 

“Don’t hold back, baby. Let me hear you.”

Tommy has no more control over the words that tumble out of his mouth, a mess of “please” and “fuck” and “I need.” 

His babble slows to a halt at the whisper of soft fur on his freshly shaved skin. A barely there, butterfly-light caress, immediately followed by a cluster of tiny pricks in the shape of Brian’s hand. 

***

He feels those twin sensations everywhere, sometimes in a mirror of each other; soft caress on one side of his chest, the prickly scratching on the other side. Over and over again. He can’t see what will happen next. Brian keeps him guessing until he doesn’t even try anymore. 

Until every caress of the fur, every harsh touch of the prickly thing only makes him open himself up a little more. Until his own pleasure doesn’t even matter.

Every touch brings him higher, leaving him floating on a cloud where the only thing that can reach him is Brian’s voice. 

***

Sometimes the touch is so light that Tommy can barely feel it. Sometimes it hurts, like tiny little teeth closing on his skin, the kind of blissful pain that only takes him further inside his own head. 

He moans and whimpers and begs but he has absolutely no control over what’s spilling from his mouth. It feels like he can’t even tell if he’s using actual words or just making noise. 

Just when he thinks that he can’t take anymore, there’s the soft, soft caress of fur around his dick, and tiny pricks on the sensitive skin of his balls.

***

“ _Fuck_.” A breathy whimper is torn out of Tommy’s throat. “Please, fuck, Brian, please, sir, _please_.” He has no idea if he’s begging for more or less of everything. All he knows is that he’s right on the edge and he can’t do a thing to free himself. Only Brian can. 

All the sensations disappear, and Tommy’s left alone in darkness, waiting, expecting. There’s no fear left. Only the reassuring knowledge that Brian can and will give him exactly what he needs. It’s the only thing that makes the waiting bearable until Brian pulls the plug out of Tommy’s ass. 

***

Tommy screams when Brian finally thrusts inside him. It’s hard and fast and everything Tommy needs to make him feel owned, possessed to his very core. He lets himself open up a little more every time Brian thrusts into him, giving more and more and more until everything he has, everything he _is_ , is Brian’s. 

Then, when Tommy is teetering on the edge, Brian wraps his hand around Tommy’s dick. “Go ahead, baby. Come for me.”

Tommy’s so far gone that he comes as soon as Brian allows it. His mouth opens on a scream and he falls into darkness.

***

When he opens his eyes, the blindfold is gone, but the light it still so low that Tommy barely has to blink to get used to it again. 

He blinks again, surprised when he realizes Brian already cleaned him up and cradled him in his arms. Then he doesn’t think anymore, clinging to Brian and the cocoon of warmth created by the heat of Brian’s body and the blanket around them. 

He lets Brian’s words, his, “you did so well” and “so pretty for me” and “such a good boy” surround him with protective walls almost stronger than his own.

***

Later, when Tommy can finally stand a little space between him and Brian, there’s water from a bottle that Brian brings to Tommy’s lips because Tommy’s fingers are trembling, and fruits that Brian feeds to Tommy, piece by piece. 

They barely move except for the caress of Brian’s hands over Tommy’s body. Tommy rests his head on Brian’s chest, listening for the soft thud of his heartbeat, losing himself in Brian’s words of love and praise. 

Until he finally gets the feeling of complete freedom that he knows he’ll only ever find when he lets Brian have everything of him.


End file.
